June 26, 2007

And, Then, After A Long Hiatus, The Return

Green On Red - Gas Food Lodging (1985)

The wind blew alternately soft and wild against the robot girl's thin steel and diamond legs, caressing and savaging. She/It imagined the wind as a lover, but in ten thousand years She/It had not been able to define the term "lover" beyond the pre-loaded definition She/It had been programmed with. The dead creators had been lax, She/It knew.

The visual sensors She/It used had not moved from one spot on the increasingly eroded horizon in exactly 19,729 days, 15 hours, 29 minutes, 3 seconds and increasingly meaningless segments of seconds. Not since a small but lifeless starship had entered the atmosphere and imploded spectacularly, briefly absorbing She/It's attention for a period. Thus, She/It was as surprised as a machine-thing can be when the white monkey suddenly appeared, hovering briefly in mid-air directly before the hillock of granite upon which She/It was bolted. The monkey fell fast to the planetoid's grimy surface just as suddenly. With a loud belch.

Hybernation Of One

Pixies - Doolittle (1989)

They came in fast and low, black and orange wings reflecting the ruby moonlight, flying in garish stealth patterns, spattering radio wave jam signals across all frequencies, strobing the chemical patterns of their own delusions across a planet of wild and incestuous criminal strengths, nothing rising to meet them, nothing stopping their seeming rampage, nothing caring about them at all.

They landed. They emerged, from their silicate bath cockpits. They used enhanced and natural vision to see what they had done. And it was as nothing had happened.

Humbled, they re-engaged with their now pathetic tech and slowly, almost reverently, betook themselves home. It would be a long, long winter they knew. And spring might never come again.

Celebrated Summer!

It's a marmalade mixup, a tossed tea salad, a rhubarb-crawdad jambalaya, a solsticial celebrational solution of more than seven percent! Yeah, man, the good stuff.

June 21, 2007

Worship It As It Rises

The Bevis Frond - Inner Marshland (1987)

"Sometimes," whispered the very tired Judge, "Sometimes I wish I was still a young girl on my parent's farm, back up in the hills above the Purple City, in my room with the view of the Dead Will Return River from its southern window. I sat with my legs hanging over the window sill for hours watching that river, hoping to see them return, looking for the tattered sails of their lichen-boats, the masts of bone and the tillers of razor blades. I wanted it to be like they said in Church, like the priests told us it would be. I wanted some kind of happiness like that promised lie."

The Judge would say this every day at the end of session as the natural light faded and those remaining watched her carefully, expectantly. Then she would remove her blood-splattered white robe, going with it the investiture of her power , and walk naked from the courtroom. The robe would be clean and ready for her the next morning, she knew, always ready in the morning.

Like Nothing Ever Before, Rinsed In White Blood

Band of Susans - Peel Sessions (1992)

William the Younger pulled a splinter of glass from his heel, about a half of an inch long and needle-like otherwise, and handed it to the large white monkey sitting on the wicker lounge chair to his left. The monkey carefully took the sliver of nearly invisible pain and put it - with several thousand other like shards - into the velvet-lined sewing basket it cradled between its knees. The sex of the monkey was indeterminate, even given the otherwise lewd position it maintained to keep the basket from spilling. This was the appeal to William. When he stroked the thick fur at night and whispered his love, he felt giddy, childish, transported at the lack of knowing, the unknowable lack of his love. It was worth the day of pain that inevitably followed, the cost of the broken mirror. It was so beautiful.

Whaat Aameerikaa Neeeds Nooow!

Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments - Bait & Switch (1995)

Bi-polar (as in having a summer home at the South Pole and a Winter Lodge at the North or maybe the other way around, plus two at the Equator diametrically located to one another on the off chance the magnetic poles flip suddenly thus increasing the value of such) and wealthy beyond belief (as in one is incapable of believing that one human (?) being has such wealth as the rest of the world starves to death or dies of diseases easily curable but for lack of funds or just plain kills one another for filthy lucre) and more beautiful than words can express (words being one of several ways humans communicate; pictures a second; guns and other hurtful things a third, etc), the Robot Goddess Berenice sank slowly into her Third Bath of the Fifth Day, flinging away droplets of liquid diamond onto the straining backs of the servants upholding the enormous ruby goblet always used for her Third Bath, careful not to spill a drop themselves as they slowly rotated to keep Her Giantess Self of Beauty in just the precision position relative to the dying sun's dying light. She was exquisite, they murmured to themselves, exquisite, exquisite, a sound like waves on an ancient sea. Exquisite, exquisite, exquisite, exquisite - and so on.

June 10, 2007

Say A Screed, A Scream

Giant Sand - Glum (1994)

There is no difference between these words and the words that can conjure demons. Only intent is different. Intent and purpose. Purpose, intent and syllabification. That's all - ain't goin' further. You figure out the rest.

What?! No Ice Cream?!

Antietam - Rope-A-Dope (1994)

"This way," said the mage, "You can have your cake and eat it too!" And miraculously, on every plate in the vast candle-lit auditorium, there appeared a slice of chocolate layer cake with an inch-thick frosting of ultra-fudge. The patrons were amazed, amused, tickled, pinked, and ultimately aroused. They ate. And ate. And ate. The cake was never ending. They swelled and they swolled. They biggened like zeppelins! It was cake that good, cake that good indeed. Ultimately, no seat, no stadium, no planet, no plane could hold such chocolate excess. "Good-bye," said the mage, "Good-bye."

Oh! Oh! Oh! That Feels So Good When You Do That!

Salem 66 - Natural Disasters, Natural Treasures (1988)

This is what collapsing towers do! Beware! They are full of bees and monkeys and they will sting you full of poisons unaware of the galactic remonstrances of such like folk! This is their bane! This is their promise! Take heed and live accordingly! Live! Love! Bifurcate, indeed @#$%!

May 22, 2007

Another Successful Lyceum Date For Grammar

Gumball - Wisconsin Hayride (1992)

"Thus, the humble parentheses is the strongest particle of punctuation in the universe," softly concluded the mild-eyed wild-haired big-eared thin-lipped hook-nosed raw-skinned long-necked stoop-shouldered hamstrung withered pocked scarified and ultimately terrifyingly believable speaker. The applause began slowly, like rain waiting permission to fall, but shortly subsumed the theatre with its massive pulse. The people were amused.

That Ol' Wrong Side Of The Bed Strikes Again

Social Distortion - Prison Bound (1988)

He was confronted by his own reflection, in fact hundreds of reflections of himself, but as far as he could tell, backed by no mirrors. He walked through the center of the deserted town square with dozens and dozens and dozens of himself walking along beside him. He could see reflections of his reflections in Main St. store windows. They all waved at him when he waved at them, or at himself - it really was confusing. His mother had warned him there would be days like this, but he never truly believed her.

Something I Saw I Guy Do Once, Just Once

Sally Timms - It Says Here (1995)
Sally Timms - Cowboy Sally (1997)

She was a long cool drink of water, that's for sure, with a straw hat, but try sucking on that thing and you'd really be in for it.

May 21, 2007

It Was Really Only A Matter Of Time, Genevieve

The Mekons - Original Sin (1989)

Man, did he feel stupid!

The Storms Go On Forever Like They Should

The Jazz Butcher - A Scandal In Bohemia ~ Sex & Travel (1986)

The one-eyed boy, wearing the scarlet patch which covered his empty socket, sang a song like no song the audience had ever heard before. Hours and hours it went on, telling a story, saying nothing, making them laugh and weep, sometimes a roar of sunshine and sometimes a cold whisper of space and stars. Candles and torches and upended flashlights lit the stage and its wrack of a thousand operas thrown up by the recent storms, the storms that drove them all here this night, together like they would never have been in the world outside. Some held hands with strangers, lay heads on foreign shoulders, smiled and felt forgiven for the first time in their lives. Some held themselves alone, vibrating fiercely, overjoyed but still afraid of this new sensation. They all, all, never wanted the night to end. Outside, the storms continued.

Mind And Body? No Problem!

Bevis Frond - Tryptich (1988)

Without even realizing it, Hugo solved one of the oldest and most difficult mathematical puzzles ever invented. Not bad for a shoe-shine boy from Black Earth, Wisconsin, he thought, as he again cautiously lifted the worn corner of his living room rug to peek at the swirling interdimensional maw his fever-inspired contortions had accidentally created. He pushed another squirrel into it, just for fun.

May 20, 2007

Il Duce Made The Pages Turn Timely, Indeed

Swans - Love of Life (1992)

It was, undoubtedly, by far, the largest land crab Michael had ever seen. And clearly the most literate, in a bohemian way, if the "I'd Rather Be Reading Bukowski" bumper sticker on its house-sized shell was any indication. Of course, that could always be laid to poetically-minded juvenile delinquents - Michael was well-aware of how much they delighted in such tricks! Only a fortnight earlier, his own vintage, converted, goat-drawn Volkswagen Beetle had been plastered overnight with thousands of tiny magnetic buttons, transforming the Reich-inspired auto into a perfect likeness of Benito Mussolini, the greatest Italian novelist of the 20th century. Michael had been reluctant to remove the rather inspired graffiti, but his wife's repeated refusal to be carted around town in "Some foreigner's head!" eventually persuaded him.

May 18, 2007

Truth , Justice, And Our Way Or The Highway - $1.19/LB

Jacobites - Howling Good Times (1994)

"Nationalistic tendencies" - the panel of extremely qualified, eminent, sane, board-certified, bespectacled, sometimes bearded, laced, probably real experts was saying - "are only natural expressions of love of own's country, one's fatherland if we can invent a phrase, and are purely wholesome and justifiable seen in such a light. This is our considered opinion." At this the panel nodded as one and slid slowly and simultaneously underneath the long panelled bench, shiny wigs last to be seen. As they disappeared, unaware the cameras still ran and the microphones buzzed, there was heard a whispered "Do ya think they bought it?" and a round of answering sniggers.

One Must Be Ever So Careful, Here And Always Over There, Over There

True Believers - True Believers (1986) and
True Believers - True Believers (1987)

The typewriter was a dangerous weapon. Milton knew this instinctively. He had dared approach it only obliquely to date, at angles impossible for the geometricians to define and label. He believed it unaware of him and of his intentions. Clad in his special homemade armor (paper plates scavenged from the bins behind the local ribbery and pasta joint, stitched with stale spaghetti), today he chose a new approach, circling in from several miles out and taking full advantage of natural cover - small children, goats, surprised milkmen - to achieve his final goal, the fruit of years of research and hard mental effort. The filthy and tattered "True Detective" subscription form trembled in his pale hands.

Seen From The Church Belfry, It Was A Sight!

Jon Langford - Skull Orchard (1997)

The circus strongman, the flying leopard act, the incredibly tall midget family and the invisible visible boy drove the old yellow hearse into town on a lark, looking for a fight you might say, never expecting what one small boy, a slingshot, and a thimbleful of pink poster paint could do. The weekly paper ran a story next edition about mysterious noises in the night, a possible alien invasion, and the courage of its local son.

May 16, 2007

It Was Least Expected, That's For Sure

The Romulans - Flight of... (1993)

Basking in the shallows, flapping wings idly, eyestalks extruded, camo-stripes rippling like shadows, the vastly intelligent but incredibly boring and bulbous (in its last, still-to-come and infinitely more venal state of metamorphosis), alien overlord of the Earth thought thoughts unlike any thoughts ever thought on Earth. Mostly about candy.

Soon, Soon, The Master Plan Will Be Revealed

Long Ryders - BBC Radio One In Concert (1994)

Blankets, blankets, blankets, rang the cry through the city! All night the shirtless men and the pantsless women ran through the sullen streets, stirring the dust and crying for blankets! The mayor and his mistress were first aghast but upon investigating threw off shirt and pantaloons and joined the joyous crowd. Blankets, blankets, blankets, rang the cry through the city!

What Happens When You Own A Pocketwatch Of Lead

Johnny Thunders - (New) Too Much Junkie Business (1990)

Punctuality, never Sister's strong point. In fact, she had on more than one occasion missed her own death. This was of course immortalized in song and story by better than average songwriters and almost readable novelists. Two films (the latter a remake of the former or the former of the latter, Sister could never be certain, having been late for both premieres) were made, by substandard and genuis directors, at the same time. The same actress also portrayed Sister in both films, as younger and even younger versions of the real Sister. Finally, having accidently viewed both films simultaneously, Sister decided the actress was a better Sister than Sister herself, so she became the actress and was never late again.

May 11, 2007

Oh, Monster, Come To Bed, With Springs For A Heart

Soul Asylum - Made To Be Broken (1986)

"It is conventional to call 'monster' any blending of dissonant elements. I call 'monster' every original inexhaustible beauty."

- Alfred Jarry, L’Ymagier (1894)

(Note: This, too, is a textual repost with new music, the original music post now being but a memory, at the request of the artist).

A Night Of Passionate Pumpkin Love Trumps Death

Sonny Sharrock - Guitar (1986)

Sonia crawled out of the jack-o-lantern's mouth, gripping the giant carven teeth to gain the leverage she needed. It had been a wonderful adventure overall, she thought, smiling to herself, knocking off bits of hardened wax, seeds the size of her hand and stringing pumpkin guts. Yes, there, the raygun lay just where she'd left it. A minute more and she'd be her proper size again. No problems with buttons too big to push - she'd read all the stories. She pulled the remote control from her pocket but hesitated just a moment too long, looking up to see just what had made the huge winged shadow...

(Note: This is a textual repost with new music, the original music post now being but a memory, at the request of the artist).

May 9, 2007

It Was A Voice That Spoke In Many Ways

Throwing Muses - Throwing Muses (1986)

"When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.

In a way, the next move is up to him."

- R. A. Lafferty, "Golden Gate" (1982)

He Should Have, But He Didn't, So It Happened

John Lurie - Stranger Than Paradise & The Resurrection of Albert Ayler (1985)

Eddie picked at the scab and kept picking at the scab, which is never a good idea, nor very sanitary, under the best of conditions. But this scab was larger than the average scab, oh, maybe three feet in length, and ran like a zipper across his torso from his left nipple diagonally over his belly button (an outie, of course) and over to his right thigh. With a final flick, he removed the last of the scar tissue. A moment later, the proud flesh of his ungainly and unsightly wound burst apart due to internal pressure and Eddie died an agonizing and stupid death. The end.

Playing Peek-A-Boo With Far Away Eyes

Nels Cline Trio - Silencer (1992)

For seven billion years the little star had quietly and efficiently (it prided itself on its efficiency) burned its hydrogen and lit up its little corner of the universe. Then, one day, it felt a tickling sensation, an irritation, an unpleasant feeling of being watched. Not sure from where this new feeling originated but not liking it in the least, the little star quietly folded space and time around itself, making it appear to vanish utterly.

Back on Earth, some astronomers and physicists were astounded. And some strongly religious folk were moved to kill themselves (and a few billion non-believers).

Eventually, the star came back out, decided the annoying presence was gone, and resumed its sweet hydrogen burn.

May 6, 2007

It's Only One Man's Fantasy

Coffee Sergeants - Moonlight Towers (1993)

The President put pen to the last official statement of his elected tenure and turned to the vast bulletproof windows of the newly remodeled Oval Office, the better to appreciate the long line of gallows that stretched across the green White House lawn and disappeared into the distance, to end at the steps of the Capitol Building. Even now the hooded and bewildered members of Congress were shuffling up the rough wooden steps, crying out in anger and fear. Nine black robed figures already swayed in the cold January wind.

But Who's Gonna Be General Grant?

The Feelies - Only Life (1988)

The vast space armada left Mars orbit right on schedule, blasting through the rebel bases in the Asteroid Belt, obliterating all life, whipping around ringed Saturn to the colonies of the Jovian moons on a non-stop flight of total destruction. Though slightly misinformed, the Martians took their Civil War re-enactments very seriously indeed.

It Comes In A Tin And Sits On The Shelf

William S. Burroughs - Uncommon Quotes (1988)

As a little boy, Bertrand never cried. When his father was decapitated by angry postal clerks in the E-Stamp Act Riots of '07, he didn't cry. When his mother sold him to Scottish slavers and condemned him to a life of indentured servitude in the New New Hebrides (formerly the Swiss Alps), he didn't cry. Even when the only woman he ever loved disappeared from his life forever (as the soap opera she starred in was cancelled), he didn't cry. But when the European Liberation Organization (ELO) slaughtered his cruel Scottish masters, freeing Bertrand and the thousands of others like him working in their haggis factories, he cried. He cried for seven weeks straight. His clothes were perpetually damp. His bedding was soaked. His body was wrinkled and moldy from the tears. When asked why he was crying, Betrand could only reply "Who's gonna make the haggis now? Who's gonna make it?"

May 3, 2007

Somebody Really Needs A Hug...Or A Bigger Stick

The Embarrassment - Heyday ~ 1979-83 (1995)

"After Buddha was dead, his shadow was still shown for centuries in a cave - a tremendous, gruesome shadow. God is dead; but given the way of men, there may still be caves for thousands of years in which his shadow will be shown. - And we - we still have to vanquish his shadow, too."

- Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science (1882)

April 10, 2007

Another Bad Day At Playschool

Band of Susans - Veil (1993)

No amount of sweet lies, honest promises, unveiled threats could relinquish Gerald from his hold upon the weapon. After five days without sleep, the entire world seemed his enemy. And the colorful buttons he had yet to push were so, so enticing...

Distracted By Shiny Objects, Unwitting Accomplices

Loop - A Gilded Eternity (1990)

The directions were explicit: Stand on one leg (either leg) for three minutes; Rotate slowly to your left until facing a shiny object; Switch legs; Stare without blinking at said shiny object for two minutes; Close eyes; Repeat.

What this had to do with assembling a bicycle, Henry didn't know. But after three hours he hadn't put bolt A together with nut B, though he had enjoyed several wildly hallucinogenic moments of ecstasy, in the time between closing his eyes and hitting the floor.

What The Black Box Would Have Recorded

Butthole Surfers - Double Live (1989)

Without hesitating, Suzette plunged into the icy waters, her golden silk ballgown flaming around her as she plumetted. Her only thought was - wait, what was her only thought? Escape? Death before dishonor? A nice side salad with blue cheese dressing? Halfway to what she know realized was a certain and inescapable demise, she decided to change her only thought, but given her speed and the unfortunate physical restraints of any unpowered falling object, it was too late. Grimly, she tuckered on. The bystanders were highly impressed.

April 5, 2007

We Owe So Much To The Library Of Skulls

Power Tools - Strange Meeting (1987)

"The ancestors of modern Sleestak were the Altrusians. Their civilization fell approximately 1,000 years earlier. The Sleestak sometimes use the term 'Altrusian' to refer to themselves and sometimes to refer only to these ancestors. Physically, the Altrusians were similar to Sleestak, with the former marked by a shorter stature, an extra finger on each hand, and a golden yellow skin tone. Intellectually they were very different, however. The Altrusians possessed advanced psionic technologies based on light crystals and understood a great deal about the operation of the Land of the Lost. They strove for calm emotionlessness and as a result could be both cooperative and quite callous."

- "Sleestaks, Ancestors of" (Encylopedia of Lost History, Vol. MCMXVII)

A New Primer For A New Generation

Speed the Plough - Mason's Box (1993)

W(ild woven wicker women). P(leasing plastic purple people). Q(uoting queuing questioners). R(iding rampant rhinos rapidly).

Water And Sunlight Tell Us Certain Things About Ourselves

Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians - Element of Light (1986)

The little boy walked slowly out onto the porch, morning summer sun just touching the dew on the painted wooden pillars and rails, catching each drop just so, revealing a hidden pattern that the three year-old instantly comprehended and understand. Feeling suddenly older but thankfully not wiser, he spread his strong young arms and with a single flap lifted himself into the warm air, steering his course through the tops of the oaks and elms and pines and trees he'd never know the names of as he headed due west in a perfectly straight and flat line. Eventually, unforgiving to the curvature of the Earth, he would leave the atmosphere forever, heading home for good.

What's Interplanetary War To A Good Punchline?

Green On Red - Here Come The Snakes (1988)
Green On Red - Scapegoats (1991)

The translator paused, unsure of how to precisely convey the Lunar Ambassador's last remark. One dipthong out of place and it would be an insult regarding the Martian King's ancestry and their sexual predilictions (not that it wouldn't have been a true remark, of course) rather than the grand (if grandiloquent) gesture of universal peace and harmony it really was. And, thought the translator - who suffered from an incurably wry and warped sense of humor - it would be much the funnier of the two...

April 2, 2007

The Paul Lynde Award For Best Comedy Album Goes To...

The Soft Boys - Invisible Hits (1983)

Bats, millions of bats, in thousands of day-glow crazy colors, plaid included, spun themselves nightly, dizzily, into the air from the damp and malodorous cavern mouth directly below Jake's window in the castle's south tower. He would enjoy his nightly rations of gin, tonic and lime - sometimes all at once in a drink he fancied he had invented himself - watching this wonderful show he similarly fancied was put on purely for his own special amusement. Jake was a simple and happy man, right up until the day they came and took him by the hand and led him to the top of the tower, staggeringly drunk as could be, and pushed him over the precipitous edge into the cavern mouth far below. As he fell, seeing the thousands of scattered skulls and still-decaying bodies ahead of him, he finally realized the source of that strange, piercing shriek that nightly signalled the emergence of the beautiful bats.

No Time For Tea, No Time For Two

Eric's Trip - Purple Blue (1996)

Astronomy was such a quiet, pleasant, meditative pastime, reflected Jackie, known to family, friends and foes alike as The Star Queen. To gaze into black infinity, upon the ancient hearts of hydrogen starflames, was to lose one's self in the placid immensity of time, to sink like a stone through a million miles of darkest water, never reaching bottom, weightless and loveless and perfectly alone, alone forever. That's the way Jackie liked it.

Don't Pick It Up, Don't Take It Home, Don't Even Think About It

Jacobites - Jacobites (1984)

No one was more passionate about their collecting than Philip, or so Philip believed. Stamps and coins and beer cans (pre-War, whichever War), worthless 19th century stocks and bonds, antique Egyptian pornography, other people's vacation photos - these and a thousand other obsessive collections were the boon and bane of his existence. One morning, though, Philip found he could no longer find the door to his own home. The night before, bringing in an armload of Victorian doll-diapers he couldn't believe he had been lucky enough to score at a local estate sale that morning, he'd bumped into and knocked over a teetering stack of Pop-Art styled plastic drink coasters. Through the night, the resulting slow cascade of collectables had effectively, permanently sealed Philip inside his three-bedroom suburban ranch with semi-detached garage (he had once hoped to eventually purchase all of the seven others in his cul-de-sac, as both a further collection and further storage). Every window, every door, every inch of wall space was hidden behind literal tons of suddenly worthless and frighteningly dense junk. The more Philip scrambled to find an exit, the more it all shifted and moved and trapped him. Finally, exhausted, Philip lay down on an improvised bed of kim chee cans he'd bought for their unique labels, which if properly arranged on a shelf portrayed the slapstick antics of a Korean cartoon character he'd never learned the correct name of. Staring at the work of a lifetime, he sighed and wished he'd thought seriously upon collecting can openers. But that had seemed such a silly idea at the time.

March 30, 2007

Eat Your Heart Out, Space Vampires! (Ain't Got Nothin' On Us)

Giant Sand - The Love Songs (1989)
Giant Sand - Swerve (1990)

"The convoluted wording of legalisms grew up around the necessity to hide from ourselves the violence we intend toward each other. Between depriving a man of one hour from his life and depriving him of his life there exists only a difference of degree. You have done violence to him, consumed his energy. Elaborate euphemisms may conceal your intent to kill, but behind any use of power over another the ultimate assumption remains: 'I feed on your energy.'

- Frank Herbert, Dune Messiah (1969)

What You Do When There Is Nothing You Can Do

Velvet Monkeys - Rotting Corpse au Go-Go (1989)

The spacelords blew into the system in fancy-ass transwarp multigeneration leather bucket seat and airconditioned starships, mucking up and down and all around in every possible dimension, space-Euro-trash in knockoff Gucci life-support belts, showing off their fancy power steering and blasting their bass-heavy technomusic (all bad Kraftwerk disco imitation crap) on every channel until finally we'd just had enough. (The last straw was when they pulled up to Mars and ordered ten-thousand cappucinos then left without paying!) We pulled out the planets, ran in the asteroid belt, put out the sun and left. It was easier than living with them.

You Can Put Your Fist Up In The Air, But Be Prepared

The Jody Grind - One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure (1990)

Particle spin decay spoofing, every teen's favorite game, just like Pac-Man, just like Pong, just like being a highschool bully in a pond, making babies random, making phone calls too, bleeding out of every hole, it's every teen's favorite game.

March 29, 2007

The Interior Mechanical Mind Of A Trouser Press

Lemonheads - Creator (1988)

Up, down, smash, hiss! Up, down, smash, hiss! Up, down, smash, hiss! "I'm such a lucky fella, such a lucky fella, to have a job I love!" Up, down, smash, hiss!

Random Night Thoughts Of the Undead

Eleventh Dream Day - Lived to Tell (1991)

Nothing feeds the soul better than another soul, thought Tiny Vlad, the world's smallest vampire according to the Guinness Book of Supernatural Records. This distinction aside, TV was not happy. He was barely large enough to put the bite on a guinea pig and guinea pigs are notorious for the stinginess of their interior lives. One cannot survive on such small-minded creatures. Someday, someday, somebody would hit him with wooden ruler or a toothpick and that'd be the end.

Never Think Too Much When You Can Play Guitar Instead

Pussy Galore - Right Now! (1987)

Jerry was a man-beetle, but what kind of man-beetle was the puzzle. He had chitinous armor, an exoskeleton, mandibles, six lovely limbs, hind wings, a scuttling quality of mind and an array of sensory equipment no non-beetle could possibly possess. That ruled out the non-beetle man-beetle theory. And what a thorax! Golden, glistening - the ladies loved Jerry's thorax! But a thorax does not a man-beetle make and while he pondered his loneliness and his special destiny, the puzzle of his man-beetlehood, he really should have been learning to play guitar. Ladies like guitar players even better.

March 28, 2007

Get Yourself Some Daily Good Words

It ain't the Good Book. It's Better.

Some Things Are Best Not Examined Too Closely, Like Belly Button Lint

Dinosaur Jr. - Dinosaur (1985)

Molten planetoid-sized chunks of former planet flew past the satellite station, so far successfully deflected by its screens, but Raymond knew there was a chunk out there with his name on it. The scientists had gone too far, evidently, drilled too deep, examined too closely, angered something too greatly. Didn't matter now, really. He sipped his vodka and coffee - the last of both - and let his fingers idly trail across the control panel. "Eeny, meeny, miny..." he whispered, pinky finger over the screen's power button. "Moe." Like there was another choice.

He Hated His Dreams, His Falling Asleep

Husker Du - New Day Rising (1985) [Post #100!]

He had no arms to put inside the cavern mouth, to pull out the shining diamond and clay dog within. It barked and barked at him with rays of light shining out its throat, salty with desire to run free across the lawns and call him Master. Together they cried, he with his head against the hole and it within, eyes glittering with love.

March 23, 2007

You Think You're Special!?!

A Cigar, A Whiskey And A Headless Barbie: Christmas, 1967

Young Fresh Fellows - When We Were Good (1988)

"Forever and again, the alvar were gnawing at the quantum walls of their prison.

Down where photonic light itself was too gross to serve as a basis for perception, they raged to be free. Ceaselessly shifting congeries of forms, interpenetrating shuggoths, they scratched and clawed in the basement of the cosmos like dissatisfied servants, seeking an entrance to the bright and happy privileged realms above."

- Rudy Rucker and Paul Di Filippo, "Elves of the Subdimensions" (2006)

Clockwatching Is An Unhealthy Hobby

Roger Miller - Maximum Electric Piano ~ The Big Industry (1987)

Tiny little fingers, no thicker than the idea of hair, no longer than a baby's toenail, but millions per limb, gave the indigenous inhabitants of the newly-discovered world the rare ability to physically grasp time itself. Which came in handy after they discovered the true nature of their new 'friends' from another world.

Have You Heard The One...?

Universal Congress Of - Prosperous and Qualified (1988)

The Wolfman, Frankenstein and Dracula walk into a bar...

There Is No Other Possible Explanation...For Anything

Moe Tucker - I Spent A Week There The Other Night (1993)

Without the gravitic restraints, young Thomas Jefferson would never have survived when the saucer crashed. Dazed and lonely, his memories of his earlier life completely obliterated by the trauma, the poor little alien boy was taken in by kindly plantation owners who raised him as their own and set him on his illustrious career path.

March 20, 2007

God, Gold And Guns: The Three G's Of The Apocalypse

The Minutemen - Double Nickels On the Dime (1984)

The Queen considered Columbus' request, his wavy hair, well-filled hose, firm backside. She glanced sidelong at - ugh! - Ferdinand, and allowed herself to make a decision she would regret for the rest of her life.

- For D. Boon, 1958-1985. Still missed, still needed, now more than ever.

March 19, 2007

Somewhen, An Encyclopedia Is Missing An Entry

The Mekons - Honky Tonkin' (1987)

It was a smiling cat - if cats can smile - that smothered the baby, because cats can know the future. Let's hope it was right this time - stupid cats.

Somewhere, Allen Funt Is Laughing

Penguin Cafe Orchestra - Signs of Life (1987)

The tittering sorcerer fondled the unlaughing demoness, fingertips tingling in her black electric aura, enchanted by her sparking breasts. "How much, how much!" he cried. "More than you can afford, old man," was her reply, words that fell in blood on parchment from her salacious mouth, "Way more than you can afford." A flashing, barbed tail caught the old pervert squarely on the cheek and in a Cloud of Cold Departure he was left alone again.

This Is Front Page News!

The Replacements - Stink (1982)

"And a good time was had by all."

- Any local paper in any small town, anywhere in the United States of America, c. 1890-2007 (approx.)

March 17, 2007

Closer And Closer To Truth, Farther And Farther Away Each Day

The Flaming Lips - Hear It Is + The Flaming Lips (1987)

Hearing: The monkey spent hours and then days and then weeks, months, years, decades and centuries (or so it seemed) arranging and re-arranging the alloy objects, never satisfied with their 'Sound' - as he came to call it. Because he knew that these sharp, pointy things which constantly cut his hands and left his fingers bloodied and scarred, if put together properly, would make: Just. The. Right. Sound.

Stan Lee Should Have Had An Intervention Years Ago

Sebadoh - The Freed Weed (1990)

Myron, Son of Thor, hated his given name. Especially when people inevitably asked, "Why can't you be more like your father?"

What Takes A Telescope To See Sometimes

B.A.L.L. - Bird/Period (1988)

Possessing neither a sense of right, left or wrong, Timmy usually just spun dizzily in place for hours on end while assuming he was making his way from bedroom to bathroom, from work to home, abattoir to graveyard. His trail, a whirling galactic impression of blood smeared across a dozen states, was still somehow missed by the servants of a dozen law enforcement agencies.

A Really Big Hole In Howard's Pocket

The Bevis Frond - Miasma - (1988)

"Assuming that I was sane and awake, my experience on that night was such as has befallen no man before. It was, moreover, a frightful confirmation of all I had sought to dismiss as myth and dream. Mercifull there is no proof, for in my fright I lost the awesome object which would - if real and brought out of that noxious abyss - have formed irrefutable evidence."

- H. P. Lovecraft, The Shadow Out of Time (1935)

Gray Strangers With Candy

Steve Tibbetts - Yr (1988)

Lithe fingers of ribbed plastic and nylon insinuated themselves into the crevices of Jeremy's cortex, molecule-thin invaders writhing through the puddle of his gray matter, tickling and pinching, twisting and tugging at dendrites and axons, neurons and nodes of ranvier. Jeremy smiled and peed his pants and spoke in tongues and remembered his mother in a yellow dress dancing with his father in his favorite dark suit but he couldn't remember his own name or why he had ever put the strange alien-colored toy up to his forehead in the first place.

March 12, 2007

Passing The Collection Plate For Pardoners

The Church - The Blurred Crusade (1982)

For centuries the Church had upheld the One True Faith (or OTF for short) against the ravages of science, reason, time, television and smarty-pants comedians. And had done so with a quiet dignity. But, much to his chagrin and eventual physical and financial losses, poor Morton Greensmith was to find out that even the Church has its limits. One just doesn't say THAT in Church.

A Robot Lincoln Against Your Robot Marx Anyday!

Plasticland - Salon (1987)

Giant, mountain-tall robots strode across the empty planetoid's scarred and melted surface. Lasers shot from eyes as deep as oceans and nuclear-tipped missiles flew over and over again from abdomen-mounted racks, melting rock and steel. Overhead, in diamond satellites, scaly teenage hobbyists watched their toys at play, in love with the destruction and the power. Meanwhile, tiny mammals burrowed into cracks and evolved at a tremendous speed in the waves of cosmic radiation that now bathed the little world. Those lizards had better watch out.

Only What A Naked Man Can Accomplish Solo

The Silos - Cuba (1987)

Returning: The monkey - who felt like he'd been abandoned for an uncalled for length of time, though by who or whom or what he couldn't say, not really knowing anyone else, monkey or otherwise - suddenly realized he was walking and had been walking for a very long time through an alkali desert of startling beauty. Acidic butterflies of poisonous green and deadly black flew in great clouds between the petrified flowers of this new landscape. Angular shapes of a metallic bronze or silver hue were embedded in the salty crust of earth beneath his feet. They seemed to make patterns, to connect one with the other. He picked up a handful, finding them very flat, and began to lay them out one after the other: C G A D B E F. This is what they looked like and sounded like in the monkey's head. But what were they?

On The Other Hand, Perhaps This Is What You Seek

Thin White Rope - Moonhead (1987)

It crawled from the desert, a shining beastmark, from some other worlds, one raging arc of the dream that rose up higher than the foothils and the low mountains and spread wings that encompassed a universe of belief and doubt, faith and fear. It had a name but that name could not be told, only guessed. Can you???

This Is Not A Clue * This Is Not A Clue

The Mekons - The Mekons Rock 'n' Roll (1989)

Fifty-five stormtroopers, in paisley brownshirts, dancing the Watusi, cradling plushtoy origami sten guns, circled the statehouse bar-b-que dinner, traipsing off afterwards into the soft night over the edge of the hard wooden dock and down without murmur into the bottomless bay. Partygoers were nonplussed but pretended to ogle the President's new piercing, murmuring about how it caught the light of the bonfires so charmingly. So, so charming.

That Ain't Reality! That's My Hot Dog Spoon

Snakefinger - A Collection of Songs, 1978-1980 (1988)

Kindly contributed by Mr. Zippy for your pleasure-center stimulation!

March 10, 2007

What Harm Hath Warner Wrought, What Harm!

Robyn Hitchcock - Invisible Hitchcock (1986)

It was nothing personal, the anvil falling on his head, nor the two-ton weight, nor the grand piano, nor the myriad of objects which might drop precipitously from the sky during a lifetime spent as a cartoon character. But knowing was not the same as feeling, a concept the coyote struggled with for years, never able to reconcile the two according to his therapist.

Lipstick Traces On Emmett Kelly's Enormous Collar

Giant Sand - Long Stem Rant (1989)

"There are two types of lipsticks: undulating, long-wave lipstick which, when distilled, gives flags, and light lipstick whose flower produces kisses. These kisses can be obtained in two ways, either by drying the flower plucked at the moment it blooms, or by crushing its seed which gives a highly volatile essence that is difficult to preserve."

- Benjamin Peret, "The Four Elements" (1945)

A Massive Attack Precipitates Massive Denial

Swans - The Burning World (1989)

The dark-winged bombers flew low over the striated horizon, slipping from layer to layer in precise patterns, launching and launching and launching wave after wave of timed and otherwise gimmicked explosives, blossoming up through the night sky in patterns undecipherable since the death of the last of the magi. New magic entered the world while it slept.

March 7, 2007

What Wizards Do While The Wires Play

The Residents - Live in Holland: The 13th Anniversary Show (1987)

The stars in the sky twinkled and melted and spun slowly down like chips of shattered glassine eyes, blinding thousands and tens of thousands as they looked up, only for them to weep a moment, blink, and with new vision see behind the walls of day and night and sleep and death they had built up in their blindness. A new world was begun.

The Biggest Surprise Party Ever

Blackbird - Blackbird (1987)

Strong men lifted the enormous stones up, piling one atop the other, millions of years ago on the now airless and lifeless planet, straining their backs and their hundreds of arms, calling out in synchrony as they heaved, hoots and whistles blowing through the then jungle air. They were happy to turn off the lights and hunker down to wait when the last stone toppled into place, sealing them forever in their tomb. Someday...shh...someday....

A Corn Dog And A Pink Lemonade It Is Not

Big Dipper - Heavens + Boo-Boo EP (1987)

Wild potato hair plant salad, sprig of parsley in arsenic, wilted leek and beef-paste torta and a Coke: $8.37 with tax.

March 5, 2007

What Happens On The Streets Of An Old European Town

Royal Crescent Mob - Omerta (1987)

"It is tasteless and rude, I say, this fashion today, for young men to traipse so gaily through the streets in little but the silks and furs of their morning gowns," doddered the swelling matriarch, miniscule opera glasses screwed to her near-blind eyes, "but, nonetheless, I do so enjoy it." She took another sip of her absinthe and cola and sighed delightedly.

Something Simple

Johnny Thunders - Hurt Me (1984)

I feel the absence of your dares
I am charmed by your world weary airs
With the skill of a hindoo snake charmer
The heart of a gold dalai lama

Still, I'd rather be all alone
Than to be here now

- JAW, Blood Routines (1992)

The Atomic Pan Pipe Symphony Rides Again

F/i - Helioscopium (1997)

Tiny dancing robots swarmed the streets of the planet's largest metropol, shiny spinning wheels and flagellating limbs keening through the languid morning air, startling cats and dogs, little birds, commuters. Children were delighted. Schoolkids went wayward, following the winsome mechanicals, down the boulevards, through the parks, across bridges over rivers they children had never seen. Down to the spaceport they all ran, a blur of flesh and metal and chromed plastic, across the tarmac, up the ramps, inside the massive globular ship. Finally, one last limping child and one last pokey robot clambered up the ramp and the giant circular door swirled shut. Nuclear steam poured from the ship's corroded vents and it slowly ascended into the dark blue sky.

March 2, 2007

While The Astronomers Slept, Redux...

Sun Ra - Strange Celestial Road (1987)

Meanwhile, back on the planet: Several thousand years had passed quickly and with a quiet prosperity for the former starmen. The hulks of their indestructible star-ships had become playgrounds or amusement parks, office buildings, zoos and the homes of the fabulously wealthy. By a resounding majority vote, their stupendous engines had been turned off forever hundreds of years earlier and were now useless, never to push through the fabric of space and time again. One would think that, just about now, something awful and ironic precipitating the use of these once powerful machines would befall these peaceful people...

Please note: The above is a 'textual only' repost; the original 'non-textual' post accompanying it having been removed. Enjoy this repeat for your reading pleasure!

It Always Cries When It Is Caught In A Trap

Pain Teens - Destroy Me Lover (1993)

Mother Rabbit anxiously wiped her hands on her stained apron, waiting for her boys to return. It was getting dark. There, in the West, she saw movement! and shielding her eyes with one furry paw she squinted into the last rays of the dying sun. Yes - it was her boys, but...something was wrong. She counted only five, and they were walking slowly, huddled together, carrying something between them on their shoulders. With a sob, she fell to her knees and covered her face, weeping, crying like only a mother rabbit can cry.

America's One-Stop Shopping & Induction Center!

Moe Tucker - Life in Exile After Abdication (1989)

It was a big sale day at Army*Mart, "Half-Off!" screamed the signs. Flags waved cheerily over the entrance. The line stretched for miles, around corners and over hills, seeming endless. The face of every customer was lit with anticipation, each knowing he or she would get a special deal today on something absolutely fabulous that would make life perfect and reveal the secret of happiness to them. Nobody noticed that the doors were "Enter" only. Nobody noticed the long, long trains of black cars pulling silently out from behind the store. Flags waved cheerily over the entrance.

February 28, 2007

Angels Cried Diamonds Upon Their Upturned Faces

Nikki Sudden & the French Revolution - Groove (1990)

It was just a tiny windup metal toy but when its key was turned and it was set upon a table, it played the most beautiful music ever heard, by man, woman, child, beast and hiding angel. It played and played and played, for hours and days and years, but eventually - one day - the key refused to turn. A special box was built to preserve the fabulous musical toy, in hopes that one day it might play again.

Beach Blanket Bingo Off Uranus

Eugene Chadbourne with Camper Van Beethoven - Camper Van Chadbourne (1989)

"Surf's up!" came the cry, echoing over the radiophones. A hundred wild-eyed spacehipsters scrambled for their sleek, semi-living surfboards. It took a certain type to live in the rings of Saturn, amidst the vast radiation storms and electromagnetic pulses, risking certain early death from cancer, inherited genetic mutations and the ridicule of the entire System. But catching that one wave, the big one! - and riding it all around the gas giant they called home was a goal worth being crazy for.

Watching What Happens When Your Back Is Turned

Big Black - The Rich Man's Eight Track Tape (1987)

Ah, the drums, the drums! Constantly pounding day and night, the jungle pulsed with their fury and with the screams of fanged predators and winged beasts, all set against the tiny band of intrepid yet foolish explorers. None of them had much cared for this expedition, but the charisma and bravery of their leader had sucked them pell-mell into this situation. Now, watching the multi-legged, six-winged lizard thing carry his headless torso off towards the distant mountains, they began to deeply regret their decision.

February 27, 2007

The Primitive Ways Of Our Benighted Forebears

Various Artists - The Wailing Ultimate ~ The Homestead Records Sampler (1987)

"Drive grasshoppers into cooking pit
Drive ground squirrels from holes
Smoke bees from hive
Chase bison and other game over cliff or into trap
Night fishing with torch"

- Norm Kidder, "Some Uses of Fire" (2001)

Proof Of The Existence Of God

Alex Chilton - A Man Called Destruction (1995)

Long ago man or woman invented beer by drinking the fermented waters of leftovers, of some burned grains in a clay bowl, soaked by rain and storm, wild yeasts alighting, comingling, breathing life into dead matter? Someone must have been very, very thirsty.

A Universe Of Coincidence Is Not One I Want To Live In

Julian Cope - Planetary Sit-In (Every Girl Has Your Name) (1996)

Again and again and again the starmen punished the space vole's planet with storms of asteroids, churning the surface, rupturing the crust, releasing molten streams from the planetary core - avenging the long ago defeat of their ancestor's at the paws of the vole's. In their violent, obsessed joy, they never saw noticed the return of the vole armada, fresh from their own timely mission against the starmen's homeworld. Oh, those crafty voles!

It Was In A Perfumed Garden That Justice Came To Light

The Chills - Kaleidoscope World (1993)

No other human eye had ever beheld the lost jewels of Hammurabi's ancient crown, mounted in the eye sockets of the skull of an extinct species of giant ape, never worn except as a conductor between the laws of the universe and the world of man as Hammurabi imagined it, made it. These were the thoughts of little Jeremy K. as he held up in the bright sunlight the half-rotten cat's head disinterred from his mother's flower garden. It was, after all, a much preferable explanation to any that touched on the 'sudden and unexpected trip' that Mommy and Daddy said Whiskers had left upon last month. Why would a cat need to visit the Pope, anyway?

February 26, 2007

The Best Of Intentions & The Worst Of Articulations

Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians - Gotta Let This Hen Out (1986)

Syllabicizing: The monkey took on the task of naming everything he saw in the world because he suddenly thought that everything should have a name. His vocal chords, poorly developed still but evolving rapidly, were at first sorely strained by the exercise. Many an object was named with but subtle variation upon the words "Ughhgh" and "Graaakt!" Someday, the monkey thought he might take the time to rename these unfortunates.

When Children Dream And Scheme Upon Their Adult Selves

Steve Tibbetts - Safe Journey (1984)

Across the Himalayas and into the mysterious lands beyond went the intrepid explorer, scuba gear in tow, searching for the equally mysterious inland sea of Tibet he'd read about as a child in a book, never knowing the book was a joke, a hoax, a ruse, perpetrated upon him by a scheming sibling in full knowledge of his gullible nature. She would be so surprised when he returned someday, specimen boxes full of the exotic fish and plants and riches of this imaginary ocean.

A List Of Wrongs Corrected By Rights

Various Artists - Beyond the Wildwood ~ A Tribute to Syd Barrett (1987)

The tea was too strong and the cream had curdled and the biscuits were stale and the plate was chipped and the butter was runny while the knife was rusty and the spoons were bent but the sky was blue and the grass was green and the sun was yellow and the birds were singing and the cats were dancing and so it somehow balanced all out.

February 23, 2007

Would A Leopard Be Caught Dead Wearing A Human-Skin Hat?

Plasticland - Let's Play Pollyanna (1990)

Polka dots always look better in the mind's eye than in reality, thought Johnson, wishing he had not used an indelible marker. Or shaved his head. And back. It was going to be a long day.

Some Dare Call It Art!

Black Sun Ensemble - Black Sun Ensemble (1985, Reissued 2000)

Tadpoles by the thousands, by the millions, larger than a man's pinky finger, flowed and overflowed from the toilet bowl onto the tiled bathroom floor. Toilet water and potential frogs swirled with abandon out the door and down the hallway, spilling down the stairs in a living waterfall before exiting by the front door onto the lawn. Mary and Robert watched it all with quiet appreciation from the living room, perched on their prized vintage barstools, enjoying the light of the dying sun that played gently across the watery havoc. It had been a very successful experiment, they concluded, toasting each other silently.

February 22, 2007

Lotto Winner Tells All - Death Conquered!

The Catheads - Hubba (1987)

"Rubbing the Buddha's belly, an elephant's trunk, Lincoln's nose, your neighbor's bald spot, a cat's behind and your Holy Bible - simultaneously - is the only assured way to win the lottery," says Mrs. Norbert Norbert Norbert, nine-times winner of the Irish Sweepstakes, the Illinois Lotto, the Missouri State Fair Five Legged-Race and a guaranteed 'Ticket to Heaven' granted to her by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. Now deceased, Mrs. Norbert-cubed spoke from the Great Beyond on condition of anonymity.

A Strong Key Return Pops The Planet Over The Net

Damon & Naomi - The Wondrous World of Damon & Naomi (1995)

Geraldine didn't think she would ever recover from the last night's party. Glasses, bottles, puddles, clothing, antlers - everywhere!

February 21, 2007

One Man's Breakfast Is Another Man's Funeral

Bongwater - Double Bummer + Breaking No New Ground (1989)

Strong currents nibbled at the giant's toes as he swam the inland ocean, more a large lake from his perspective, crossing from his gargantuan castle home that rose straight from the sea on a thousand pillars of eroded limestone. He hoped to reach land within the half-hour, curious to know how the world had changed during his several millenia-long nap. Sniffing at the air, he could just taste the scent of those tiny two-legged appetizers he liked so much. At least they were still around, he thought to himself. And it was almost time for brunch...

February 20, 2007

Drinking Beer From Acorn Cups All Day Long - Huzzah!

Bardo Pond - Dose: The Singles (1994-96)

The blue-eyed cat peered curiously from out of the vivid yellow rose bush, white fur sleek in the hot sun. It was fat and content and well-fed and chose to ignore the taunting of the squirrels, who had organized a polka-masquerade in the far corner of the garden. The squirrels were spiteful creatures, the cat knew; they hated polka.

One Eye Closing And Three More Opening

Tar Babies - Death Trip (1992)

Jumping: Slowly, very slowly, as he watched, the sheets of color and distortions began to reassemble themselves into forms the monkey more easily recognized. But with a difference. Each plant, each insect or animal, each object (a new concept he found wonderfully intriguing - differentiation, ascribing unique 'objectness' to all things!) seemed pregnant with wonder, waiting for him. What they awaited he did not know. But he rose to his calloused feet and walked out into the new world.

Possessed By Numerous Possessions At A Psychic Yard Sale

Divine Horsemen - Snake Handler (1987)

The tunnel narrowed around Geoffrey as he pushed his lanky form forward, arms thrust out in front of him to grab at any available handhold. Dust and tiny clouds of silky fur blew past him or caught on his face, in his mouth. Somewhere up ahead there was a source of fresh air, if only he could reach it. His knees bled through the shredded khaki of his trousers and he deeply regretted taking up the white rabbit's invitation.

February 19, 2007

Support Your Local Public Library, Cowboys!

Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel - Nail (1985)

Random words fell through the tinfoil sieve that covered the library, enriching the pale and worthless volumes, encouraging growth and deep, moist discovery. The librarians, some appalled and some overjoyed, ran in circles, scattering pages and covers as they set up wooden buckets to catch the old and useless words that dripped from the shelves.

Building Cities of Dirt And Clods To Revel In

Spacemen 3 - Performance (1988)

Reggie was exhausted. Pulling a plow of stone was hard work, sunup to sundown. His back ached, his thighs trembled, the enormous muscles of his neck chafed under the hard wood and leather yoke. But it was a good kind of tired, he concluded, looking back over the acres of field he had furrowed this day, his dark eyes unblinking as the earth slowly healed itself and all traces of his labor disappeared. Yes, Reggie thought, today was good but tomorrow would be even better.

Look Where We Worship

Crystalized Movements - This Wideness Comes (1990)

"There was no notion on the part of the five young interspatial transbeings that they were being followed. After all, they barely knew where and when and how they were themselves. But soon they became four and then three and then two and it was finally obvious. (They were not very intelligent beings, actually, their frightening multi-limbed phantom appearances making them seem more awesome than they really were.) The final two looked each other in their multifaceted eyes and asked the burning question: "Who?" No answer forthcoming, they linked tentacles and fangs together, back to back to back, and settled down into an ever shrinking ball of fright to wait. Thus was the world begun."

- Arthur Machen (Ed.), Welsh (& Other) Creation Myths (1917).

February 16, 2007

Insectile Chatter Equals Mammalian Love Song

Eugene Chadbourne - Eddie Chatterbox Double Trio Love Album (1988)

Glistening: A strange thing began to happen in the monkey's head. Several supposedly distinct and unrelated things, things normally outside his ability to synthesize, merged together and became a new thing. The dent in his head; the itch; the music. They were all related...connected...one thing. All the world seemed to rush straight upwards in blurring lines of color suddenly, blocks of green that were grass shooting skywards to bisect a sheet of solid blue while pebbles became two-dimensional mountains and a lone bee a striated godthing of yellow and black vibrating through it all, moving before and behind the grass and the rocks and the sky. This, the monkey thought - for now he could think - is very interesting.

The Things John Wayne Did That Never Made The Papers

Giant Sand - Giant Sandwich (1989)

The Sheriff looked sideways at the carnage on the barroom floor, never one to stomach grue as well as his True-Western compatriots. He wondered often if this made him less of a man, less of a dude. He tipped back his vermillion ten-gallon and punched his shoulders up, ready to work. Somebody had to put the heads back with their right bodies, after all. So it could start all over again.

No Reason To Live, No Reason Not To

Lawndale - Sasquatch Rock (1987)

Another Steve Austin morning, macrolens eyeball retrofit testrange, biopump bloodheart circuit blowup, fingernail atombomb carheist kitten, toejam raga hippo blast: ALL SYSTEMS GO!

February 15, 2007

Knowing How To Read A Map Doesn't Mean You Are Not Lost

My Dad Is Dead - Let's Skip the Details (1988)

Watson knew there was nothing wrong with the Doctor, but he followed his orders to the letter. A left turn at the gazebo, two full circles around the peeing statue of Pan, five strong hops toward the reflecting pool and a final somersault that shattered the peaceful waters and left Watson staring dazedly up at the cloudless sky. The water was only an inch deep over a mirrored surface, Watson now realized. Then, faintly, he heard the unmistakeable sound of laughter.

Never Enough To Stop The Gears

Glass Eye - Hello Young Lovers (1989)

The pushers and the dealers and the buyers and the robbers and the enforcers of the laws all danced together in a swirling madness, knowing they had conned the people mightily and ensured their padded pockets for many years to come. The conned and depleted watched from the ballroom's edges, but their eyes were upon a small child standing straight with one hand upon a large lever. It pulled the lever sharply back. As the ballroom floor disappeared, the grinders came to life.

Beggaring Description, All Eyes Upward Turn

F/i - Space Mission (Rarities Compilation) (2000)

Upon the promised planet, pods opening with engineered life emerging - long slow trains of hoofed and tentacled life - the philosphers and dreamers of the spacemen surveyed their accomplishment. There would be a good place for a temple, before the grove by the river. There, upon the outcropping of what might be granite, a memorial for all those lost in space along the way. There, and there, and there - coffee shops.

February 14, 2007

Saint Valentine's Day Massacre Playoffs

H. P. Zinker - The Sunshine CD (1991)

Nothing but and nothing for and nothing forward but nothing for other nothingward.

Why Does My Pudding Never Tell A Lie?

Brian Ritchie - The Blend (1987)

"The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."

- Philip K. Dick, How To Build A Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later (1978)

Another Bad Day Inside Another Man's Head

Telstar Ponies - Voices From the New Music (1996)

The wind peeled back Chester's flesh, raising it like a cloud around his shaking form before lifting it into the dark sky, rising and fluttering away, nothing but a damp man-shaped fleshkite. In the few seconds he had left to live, as blood fountained from a hundred places in his exposed self, Chester strongly wished he'd thought his plan through more carefully.

Strong Magic Coffee Beans Burn Brightly

Black Sun Ensemble - Lambent Flame (1988)

The crystalline blue elixir drizzled slowly onto the searingly hot black iron mirror, winding clouds of multicolored steam shooting up like gem-encrusted arms towards the necromancer's lean, scarred face. The portents boded ill, regardless of the medium, the method, he thought. He sighed and turned away from another failed experiment. Oh well, maybe Bewitched is on, he thought, smiling at image of the enticing Samantha avatar in his mind.

February 12, 2007

Silver Strings Kill Witches In The Mountians

John Fahey - I Remember Blind Joe Death (1987)

Rotating: The sound that was like music increased as the monkey scratched and scratched at the itch in the dent left by the dreamweapon. The monkey stopped scratching the itch, but did not lower his paws from his head, so that he could turn himself around and around and around to place the origin of the music. His raised elbows were like hairy antennae. But the music faded. Slowly, the monkey began to hit that itch again. And the music began, again.

Behind The Screen, We Crouched, Laughing, Yes

Negativland - Escape From Noise (1987)

We could hear the sound of clapping, or what sounded like clapping, like flesh hitting flesh hard and popping the air with its hot force

We could hear the sound of metal wings, or what sounded like metal wings, like feathers of tin and copper and impermanent steel moving the air aside with a heavy fall

We could hear the sound of laughter, or what sounded like laughter, like parents and teachers and their open mouths, hawing at the endless air with empty joy

February 10, 2007

A Vast Array Of Saucers, Flying, Static, Otherwise, Melting

Happy Flowers - Too Many Bunnies (Not Enough Mittens) (1989)

The three Lester children were never normal. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Their mother knew this either before they were born or immediately after, when the doctor informed her that - somehow - the umbilical cord had already been cut...months earlier. Dinnertime was never a happy time in the Lester home.

Dandelion Wine, Watermelon Whisky, A Dead Hippie And Thou

Tiny Lights - Prayer for the Halcyon Fear (1985)

Between strong draughts of liquid lead laced with dictionary factory residue, the huddled group of spaceclowns considered their bleak future: Join the Resistance Circus and fight the Papercut Plutocracy or...What?

Moving Fast & Targeting!

Queen Elizabeth (Julian Cope) - Queen Elizabeth (1994)

Nothing short of total war could save the tiny beleaguered nation of Bulbouspumphandle and only Grand Sub-Space Commander Larry could bring down such total war. Gently stroking the fur of his traditional panda-skull war helmet, the Larry pondered the depths of his own depravity, his own mercilessness, and knew that it was good. He turned to his miniscule batman, gave him a certain wink, and uttered the final, fatal order.

February 7, 2007

Mammals Wonder About Non-Mammals, But Is It Reciprocal?

Plasticland - Wonder Wonderful Wonderland (1985)

Worshipful, the starmen gazed down upon the new planet, red and green and yellow and brown - as their eyes saw such things - eyes teary upon seeing the peculiar alignment of mountains and rivers and inland oceans they had been told to look for. The planet smiled up at them, small tears in the corners of its eyes, blessing them, welcoming them home. Retrojets began to flare. Descent was prepared for.

An Epic Moment In The Monkey's Day At Night

Kendra Smith - The Guild of Temporal Adventurers (1992)

Watching the Skies: Fingers seeming clumsy and ineffectual, the monkey looked wildly around for something, something that he couldn't name, not even knowing how to name a thing. But his eyes focused, grew keen, and he saw a small flake of rock with a shiny edge. He took it up with his fingers and rolled it around, back and forth, hand to hand. Somehow, he knew what to do with this...tool. As he gingerly but purposefully lifted it upwards towards his scalp and the dreamweapon's dent, music began to play.

February 6, 2007

Five Lanes Clear, No Waiting

Black Sun Ensemble - Tragic Magic (1991)

Willard was a strong man who despised weakness in others. He never went out of his way to push down the weak and miserable and poor and grieving and stupid in life, but if they came across his path he suffered no mercy upon them. Many people were left shattered and weeping in his wake. Then, one day, from a clear blue sky, Willard was struck by a realization, one about the size and shape and weight of a bowling ball. Upon his head.

The Slaves Of The Sun

Tar Babies - Honey Bubble (1989)

"What is Time...That you speak of it so subserviently? Are we to be the slaves of the sun, that second-hand, overrated knob of gilt, or of his sister, that fatuous circle of silver paper? A curse upon their ridiculous dictatorship!"

- Mervyn Peake, Titus Groan (1946)

Misery And Company Are Amicable If Not Best Friends

True West - Drifters (1985)

Dusty long-legged strippers with breasts of steel and iodized salt strode the old town's brick-covered streets, frightening bold men and scaring little boys to death. On the bright side, a generation of little girls saw their future flaming before them and knew that it would be very good. They ran after their new friends, jumping over the dead and singing in loud high voices.

February 5, 2007

Three Hardy Pancake Men Attack Dog In Window

Wake Ooloo - Hear No Evil (1994)
Wake Ooloo - What About It (1995)
Wake Ooloo - Stop the Ride (1996)

Wild with passion, the fifteen chimp-strong marching band whipped through their medley of Copland/Ives/Partch "Party Classics" while the angry devolutionist's screams of "Bokanovskify us! Bokanovskify us!" sounded like weak tea insults from behind the barbed-wire gate.

The Love Of Water, Of Living By Water, Of Living In Water

Richard Barone - Cool Blue Halo (1987)

Aspiring: Pensive after his salty breakfast, the monkey sat in a field of yellow flowers the size of rhinos, whose golden saffron heads nodded in the gentle breeze thirty or forty feet above his still-dented head. He scratched at the hollow in his cranium where the dreamweapon had hit and entered. It felt soft and he began to prod harder and harder, using both calloused hands. Sweat beaded on his hairy brow, his lips gnurled back from his yellow teeth, his huge nostrils flared cavernous! What an itch!!!

Imperfect, Imbecilic, Incompetent, Idyllic

Paul Roland - Happy Families (1988)

Bucking against the current, the intrepid white explorer trudged upstream, dead crystal crocodiles colliding every mis-step of the way, but he knew - knew! - that the lost sugar city of the ant people lay just beyond the next bend. In the pouring hot tropical rain, it was the only crutch he had.

February 4, 2007

Barnacles At Bedtime; Or, How The Navy Became More "Friendly"

Scratch Acid - The Greatest Gift (1990)

Roasted golden cat-thighs, crispy with an orange whiskey-sauce, atop shredded pine bark rissoto, a side of non-denominational literature of inspiring & sexy nature and a galleon of lukewarm melted tire-shavings - the Space Pope dines happy tonight!

Willow O' The Wisps Waver Wanly O'er The Wapsipinicon

Robyn Hitchcock - A Globe of Frogs (CD3 Single) (1988)

No sane man or woman would have refused a direct mind-order from the Head of Space Control Zeta, but Reginald Harbottom was no ordinary man or woman. Or man or woman at all!

February 3, 2007

A Strong Wind Rattled The Hat Factory Windows - Gee!

Graeme Jefferies - Messages For the Cakekitchen (1987)

Wallowing on: Breakfast was served to the monkey by a little girl wrapped in silver and black leaves, or what the monkey assumed were leaves, having little experience with fashion. "The tea is very good with cream and the fish have acheived just the right melting consistency," said the little girl with barely a lisp. The monkey was impressed.

I Sometimes Seemed To Have Lived For 70 Or 100 Years In One Night

Opal - Happy Nightmare Baby (1987)

"The sense of space, and in the end, the sense of time, were both powerfully affected. Buildings, landscapes &c. were exhibited in proportions so vast as the bodily eye is not fitted to receive. Space swelled, and was amplified to an extent of unutterable infinity. This, however, did not disturb me so much as the vast expansion of time..."

- Thomas de Quincey, Confessions of an English Opium Eater (1821).

Punishing The Weak For Over Forty Years!

Loop - Heaven's End (1987) (LP)

Reading conspiracy novels led Monroe to investigate the history of real conspiracies, though being conspiratorial in nature, clandestine in fact, no actual information existed on such. Monroe, tired of peeing into the face of reality, began to write elaborate conspiracy novels about the lack of verifiable information regarding true conspiracies. These became very popular and led many otherwise sensible young men to their deaths.

January 31, 2007

Halloween Is Different Things To Different Folks

Au Pairs - Playing With a Different Sex (1981)

"You were always the passionate one," he said to this lovely lady monobrow, stroking fangs and fur and tail together. "And I don't care if your husband is the circus strongman, I don't care. I'm just glad that you came." Over the crest of the bigtop, the full moon rose slowly into view.

Sometimes One Must, Even If One Musn't, Hmmm?

Hüsker Dü - Eight Miles High (CD3 Single) (1984)
Hüsker Dü - Makes No Sense At All (CD3 Single) (1985)

Oh, the rapid and the revolving, the hardly and the softly, pumpkin matter greyswirl doggie-style high. It's an aphid dance for sure, Pa, down at the spaceport tonight. For sure.

Aldous Huxley Commandeered The Little Dinghy

Yung Wu - Shore Leave (1987) (LP)

Alan Watts threw a party for The Beatles but forgot to invite them, so imagine his surprise when they actually arrived, in spangles and fur, all six of them, antennae all a-quiver: Jok, Splotz, Notch, Huk, Tlik and Ringo. A good time was had by all. (Tlik likes spinach dip.)

January 30, 2007

The Walls Of Jericho Fall Again, Sideways

The Fall - Palace of Swords Reversed (1987)

Four or five or six varicolored men-like things reared up from the bathroom floor and convinced themselves of their reality by puncturing, in turn, each their neighbor's left eyeball. This done, feeling better about themselves, they made strong coffee and considered the problem of the saxophone. How to avoid it, how to avoid it?

The Beginning Of Dreams For Our Monkey Friend

Magic Hour - No Excess Is Absurd (1994)

Addendum: While the monkey enjoyed the dance, he soon tired and crept off - as monkies are wont to creep like - to find sleep in the darker, safer branches of a large tree growing from the center of the ballroom aboard the airship. Here, the silver and orange leaves gently shimmered with a music of escort and reprieve. He soon slept.

A Craved Blue Memorandum, Delivered By The High School Nurse

Plasticland - Dapper Snappings (1994)

Nothing could have prepared the snapping turtle for what it found in the oversized pink box that was henceforth to be its new and happy home, until it read the corporate memo.

January 29, 2007

What We Did While They Were Sleeping

Julian Cope - Droolian (1990)

Once the spacemen and their spacemencats and spacemendogs were soundly sleeping by the quiet riverside, we launched our long-planned and vicious attack!

They Emerge From The Hyper-Cocoon

Nice Strong Arm - Stress City (1989)

Their guitars flaming, the star sailors laid waste to the lunar doormice colony, mistaking it for another thing, a thing they feared. Afterwards, they were sad, sad that they had not destroyed the thing they feared.

The Monkey & The Madman Dance All Night

Paul Roland - Danse Macabre (1987)

Further: After leaving the eyeball thing which the monkey ascertained was a god, whatever that is, he/it stepped sideways through a door inside of a small bronze mailbox and emerged on the deck of a flying leviathan of metal and gas, just in time for a midnight masquerade.

January 28, 2007

The Contract For The Contact Lens of God

The Residents - Double Shot (CD3 Single) (1989)

Continuing: When the monkey recovered from the dreamweapon's attack and the wonderful changes in his head (which he still didn't understand), he noticed a large man(?)monkeything with an eyeball for a head and two furless woman(?)monkies squatting before him. He was naturally curious, but somewhat frightened.

January 27, 2007

What You Hear On A Motorcycle In An Arboretum At Midnight

True West - Hollywood Holiday (1984)

Sometimes men like to sing in the shower. Sometimes men like to sing in their cars. Sometimes men like to pretend they are singing in a shower in the car. Then they crash the car and die because they have forgotten they should be driving. It happens.

A Mechanical Dog Can't Scratch That Kind Of Itch

Roger Miller - Win Instantly! (1989)

When country and western stars shine in the Martian sky, when metallic bluebirds swim in Bradbury's canals, when Eliot and Pound and that right bastard Joyce sing a song for little boy Syd, you will know the time is nigh. Open up the chili-mac!

Spacepeople Is Funky People

Tar Babies - No Contest (1988)

Blue modal rubber bands snapping back past black tower blocks, shaky and shaking, pee in pants, badgers howling at the moon - looks like Christmas has come to Cape Canaveral!

Robert Mitchum Was An Ugly Girl

Julian Cope - Skellington (1989)

When the spacemen come with their spacemencats and spacemendogs, we will sings songs of greeting and film stars and drugs to lull them into a sense of false security. Then......

Magical Things Happen Sometimes

Black Sun Ensemble - Elemental Forces (1991)

Horses and snails do battle, monkey generals darting beside, crabcreatures flying in dark formations through the nebulaskies. And afterwards they all order pizza. Nothin' else to do.

Music Falls to Earth as Dreamweapons

Spacemen 3 - Dreamweapon (1990)

One day a sound fell out of the sky and hit a monkey on the head and the monkey said "What the fuck?" and looked up at the sky but before he could do anything more the sound entered his brain and he began to change....

Spacemonkey Calling Earth! Spacemonkey calling Earth! Hello, Earth!

Fellow Monkies! Welcome to "Flying Saucers Love Us All!"

This is how it begins...

End transmission.