April 5, 2007

We Owe So Much To The Library Of Skulls

Power Tools - Strange Meeting (1987)

"The ancestors of modern Sleestak were the Altrusians. Their civilization fell approximately 1,000 years earlier. The Sleestak sometimes use the term 'Altrusian' to refer to themselves and sometimes to refer only to these ancestors. Physically, the Altrusians were similar to Sleestak, with the former marked by a shorter stature, an extra finger on each hand, and a golden yellow skin tone. Intellectually they were very different, however. The Altrusians possessed advanced psionic technologies based on light crystals and understood a great deal about the operation of the Land of the Lost. They strove for calm emotionlessness and as a result could be both cooperative and quite callous."

- "Sleestaks, Ancestors of" (Encylopedia of Lost History, Vol. MCMXVII)

A New Primer For A New Generation

Speed the Plough - Mason's Box (1993)

W(ild woven wicker women). P(leasing plastic purple people). Q(uoting queuing questioners). R(iding rampant rhinos rapidly).

Water And Sunlight Tell Us Certain Things About Ourselves

Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians - Element of Light (1986)

The little boy walked slowly out onto the porch, morning summer sun just touching the dew on the painted wooden pillars and rails, catching each drop just so, revealing a hidden pattern that the three year-old instantly comprehended and understand. Feeling suddenly older but thankfully not wiser, he spread his strong young arms and with a single flap lifted himself into the warm air, steering his course through the tops of the oaks and elms and pines and trees he'd never know the names of as he headed due west in a perfectly straight and flat line. Eventually, unforgiving to the curvature of the Earth, he would leave the atmosphere forever, heading home for good.

What's Interplanetary War To A Good Punchline?

Green On Red - Here Come The Snakes (1988)
Green On Red - Scapegoats (1991)

The translator paused, unsure of how to precisely convey the Lunar Ambassador's last remark. One dipthong out of place and it would be an insult regarding the Martian King's ancestry and their sexual predilictions (not that it wouldn't have been a true remark, of course) rather than the grand (if grandiloquent) gesture of universal peace and harmony it really was. And, thought the translator - who suffered from an incurably wry and warped sense of humor - it would be much the funnier of the two...

April 2, 2007

The Paul Lynde Award For Best Comedy Album Goes To...

The Soft Boys - Invisible Hits (1983)

Bats, millions of bats, in thousands of day-glow crazy colors, plaid included, spun themselves nightly, dizzily, into the air from the damp and malodorous cavern mouth directly below Jake's window in the castle's south tower. He would enjoy his nightly rations of gin, tonic and lime - sometimes all at once in a drink he fancied he had invented himself - watching this wonderful show he similarly fancied was put on purely for his own special amusement. Jake was a simple and happy man, right up until the day they came and took him by the hand and led him to the top of the tower, staggeringly drunk as could be, and pushed him over the precipitous edge into the cavern mouth far below. As he fell, seeing the thousands of scattered skulls and still-decaying bodies ahead of him, he finally realized the source of that strange, piercing shriek that nightly signalled the emergence of the beautiful bats.

No Time For Tea, No Time For Two

Eric's Trip - Purple Blue (1996)

Astronomy was such a quiet, pleasant, meditative pastime, reflected Jackie, known to family, friends and foes alike as The Star Queen. To gaze into black infinity, upon the ancient hearts of hydrogen starflames, was to lose one's self in the placid immensity of time, to sink like a stone through a million miles of darkest water, never reaching bottom, weightless and loveless and perfectly alone, alone forever. That's the way Jackie liked it.

Don't Pick It Up, Don't Take It Home, Don't Even Think About It

Jacobites - Jacobites (1984)

No one was more passionate about their collecting than Philip, or so Philip believed. Stamps and coins and beer cans (pre-War, whichever War), worthless 19th century stocks and bonds, antique Egyptian pornography, other people's vacation photos - these and a thousand other obsessive collections were the boon and bane of his existence. One morning, though, Philip found he could no longer find the door to his own home. The night before, bringing in an armload of Victorian doll-diapers he couldn't believe he had been lucky enough to score at a local estate sale that morning, he'd bumped into and knocked over a teetering stack of Pop-Art styled plastic drink coasters. Through the night, the resulting slow cascade of collectables had effectively, permanently sealed Philip inside his three-bedroom suburban ranch with semi-detached garage (he had once hoped to eventually purchase all of the seven others in his cul-de-sac, as both a further collection and further storage). Every window, every door, every inch of wall space was hidden behind literal tons of suddenly worthless and frighteningly dense junk. The more Philip scrambled to find an exit, the more it all shifted and moved and trapped him. Finally, exhausted, Philip lay down on an improvised bed of kim chee cans he'd bought for their unique labels, which if properly arranged on a shelf portrayed the slapstick antics of a Korean cartoon character he'd never learned the correct name of. Staring at the work of a lifetime, he sighed and wished he'd thought seriously upon collecting can openers. But that had seemed such a silly idea at the time.