It Comes In A Tin And Sits On The Shelf

William S. Burroughs - Uncommon Quotes (1988)

As a little boy, Bertrand never cried. When his father was decapitated by angry postal clerks in the E-Stamp Act Riots of '07, he didn't cry. When his mother sold him to Scottish slavers and condemned him to a life of indentured servitude in the New New Hebrides (formerly the Swiss Alps), he didn't cry. Even when the only woman he ever loved disappeared from his life forever (as the soap opera she starred in was cancelled), he didn't cry. But when the European Liberation Organization (ELO) slaughtered his cruel Scottish masters, freeing Bertrand and the thousands of others like him working in their haggis factories, he cried. He cried for seven weeks straight. His clothes were perpetually damp. His bedding was soaked. His body was wrinkled and moldy from the tears. When asked why he was crying, Betrand could only reply "Who's gonna make the haggis now? Who's gonna make it?"