Time Is A Disease That Only Space Can Cure

THE FINAL TRANSMISSION

2008-04-09T06:13:00.002-08:00

We came with open hands. They opened fire. Science is dead. It has failed us all again. The towers, the towers! the things they did in the towers! Future past tomorrow today all time all space all lost all gone again again again...but...wait...something comes, something new in a land of all that is old...it's...it's...a NEW DISEASE!

And, Then, After A Long Hiatus, The Return

2007-06-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

Green On Red - Gas Food Lodging (1985)

The wind blew alternately soft and wild against the robot girl's thin steel and diamond legs, caressing and savaging. She/It imagined the wind as a lover, but in ten thousand years She/It had not been able to define the term "lover" beyond the pre-loaded definition She/It had been programmed with. The dead creators had been lax, She/It knew.

The visual sensors She/It used had not moved from one spot on the increasingly eroded horizon in exactly 19,729 days, 15 hours, 29 minutes, 3 seconds and increasingly meaningless segments of seconds. Not since a small but lifeless starship had entered the atmosphere and imploded spectacularly, briefly absorbing She/It's attention for a period. Thus, She/It was as surprised as a machine-thing can be when the white monkey suddenly appeared, hovering briefly in mid-air directly before the hillock of granite upon which She/It was bolted. The monkey fell fast to the planetoid's grimy surface just as suddenly. With a loud belch.

Hybernation Of One

2007-06-26T06:09:00.000-08:00

Pixies - Doolittle (1989)

They came in fast and low, black and orange wings reflecting the ruby moonlight, flying in garish stealth patterns, spattering radio wave jam signals across all frequencies, strobing the chemical patterns of their own delusions across a planet of wild and incestuous criminal strengths, nothing rising to meet them, nothing stopping their seeming rampage, nothing caring about them at all.

They landed. They emerged, from their silicate bath cockpits. They used enhanced and natural vision to see what they had done. And it was as nothing had happened.

Humbled, they re-engaged with their now pathetic tech and slowly, almost reverently, betook themselves home. It would be a long, long winter they knew. And spring might never come again.

Celebrated Summer!

2007-06-26T06:03:00.000-08:00

It's a marmalade mixup, a tossed tea salad, a rhubarb-crawdad jambalaya, a solsticial celebrational solution of more than seven percent! Yeah, man, the good stuff.

Worship It As It Rises

2007-06-21T06:29:00.000-08:00

The Bevis Frond - Inner Marshland (1987)

"Sometimes," whispered the very tired Judge, "Sometimes I wish I was still a young girl on my parent's farm, back up in the hills above the Purple City, in my room with the view of the Dead Will Return River from its southern window. I sat with my legs hanging over the window sill for hours watching that river, hoping to see them return, looking for the tattered sails of their lichen-boats, the masts of bone and the tillers of razor blades. I wanted it to be like they said in Church, like the priests told us it would be. I wanted some kind of happiness like that promised lie."

The Judge would say this every day at the end of session as the natural light faded and those remaining watched her carefully, expectantly. Then she would remove her blood-splattered white robe, going with it the investiture of her power , and walk naked from the courtroom. The robe would be clean and ready for her the next morning, she knew, always ready in the morning.

Like Nothing Ever Before, Rinsed In White Blood

2007-06-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

Band of Susans - Peel Sessions (1992)

William the Younger pulled a splinter of glass from his heel, about a half of an inch long and needle-like otherwise, and handed it to the large white monkey sitting on the wicker lounge chair to his left. The monkey carefully took the sliver of nearly invisible pain and put it - with several thousand other like shards - into the velvet-lined sewing basket it cradled between its knees. The sex of the monkey was indeterminate, even given the otherwise lewd position it maintained to keep the basket from spilling. This was the appeal to William. When he stroked the thick fur at night and whispered his love, he felt giddy, childish, transported at the lack of knowing, the unknowable lack of his love. It was worth the day of pain that inevitably followed, the cost of the broken mirror. It was so beautiful.

Whaat Aameerikaa Neeeds Nooow!

2007-06-21T06:02:00.000-08:00

Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments - Bait & Switch (1995)

Bi-polar (as in having a summer home at the South Pole and a Winter Lodge at the North or maybe the other way around, plus two at the Equator diametrically located to one another on the off chance the magnetic poles flip suddenly thus increasing the value of such) and wealthy beyond belief (as in one is incapable of believing that one human (?) being has such wealth as the rest of the world starves to death or dies of diseases easily curable but for lack of funds or just plain kills one another for filthy lucre) and more beautiful than words can express (words being one of several ways humans communicate; pictures a second; guns and other hurtful things a third, etc), the Robot Goddess Berenice sank slowly into her Third Bath of the Fifth Day, flinging away droplets of liquid diamond onto the straining backs of the servants upholding the enormous ruby goblet always used for her Third Bath, careful not to spill a drop themselves as they slowly rotated to keep Her Giantess Self of Beauty in just the precision position relative to the dying sun's dying light. She was exquisite, they murmured to themselves, exquisite, exquisite, a sound like waves on an ancient sea. Exquisite, exquisite, exquisite, exquisite - and so on.

Say A Screed, A Scream

2007-06-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

Giant Sand - Glum (1994)

There is no difference between these words and the words that can conjure demons. Only intent is different. Intent and purpose. Purpose, intent and syllabification. That's all - ain't goin' further. You figure out the rest.

What?! No Ice Cream?!

2007-06-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

Antietam - Rope-A-Dope (1994)

"This way," said the mage, "You can have your cake and eat it too!" And miraculously, on every plate in the vast candle-lit auditorium, there appeared a slice of chocolate layer cake with an inch-thick frosting of ultra-fudge. The patrons were amazed, amused, tickled, pinked, and ultimately aroused. They ate. And ate. And ate. The cake was never ending. They swelled and they swolled. They biggened like zeppelins! It was cake that good, cake that good indeed. Ultimately, no seat, no stadium, no planet, no plane could hold such chocolate excess. "Good-bye," said the mage, "Good-bye."

Oh! Oh! Oh! That Feels So Good When You Do That!

2007-06-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

Salem 66 - Natural Disasters, Natural Treasures (1988)

This is what collapsing towers do! Beware! They are full of bees and monkeys and they will sting you full of poisons unaware of the galactic remonstrances of such like folk! This is their bane! This is their promise! Take heed and live accordingly! Live! Love! Bifurcate, indeed @#$%!

Another Successful Lyceum Date For Grammar

2007-05-22T18:25:00.000-08:00

Gumball - Wisconsin Hayride (1992)

"Thus, the humble parentheses is the strongest particle of punctuation in the universe," softly concluded the mild-eyed wild-haired big-eared thin-lipped hook-nosed raw-skinned long-necked stoop-shouldered hamstrung withered pocked scarified and ultimately terrifyingly believable speaker. The applause began slowly, like rain waiting permission to fall, but shortly subsumed the theatre with its massive pulse. The people were amused.

That Ol' Wrong Side Of The Bed Strikes Again

2007-05-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

Social Distortion - Prison Bound (1988)

He was confronted by his own reflection, in fact hundreds of reflections of himself, but as far as he could tell, backed by no mirrors. He walked through the center of the deserted town square with dozens and dozens and dozens of himself walking along beside him. He could see reflections of his reflections in Main St. store windows. They all waved at him when he waved at them, or at himself - it really was confusing. His mother had warned him there would be days like this, but he never truly believed her.

Something I Saw I Guy Do Once, Just Once

2007-05-22T18:21:00.000-08:00

Sally Timms - It Says Here (1995)
Sally Timms - Cowboy Sally (1997)

She was a long cool drink of water, that's for sure, with a straw hat, but try sucking on that thing and you'd really be in for it.

It Was Really Only A Matter Of Time, Genevieve

2007-05-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

The Mekons - Original Sin (1989)

Man, did he feel stupid!

The Storms Go On Forever Like They Should

2007-05-21T05:21:00.000-08:00

The Jazz Butcher - A Scandal In Bohemia ~ Sex & Travel (1986)

The one-eyed boy, wearing the scarlet patch which covered his empty socket, sang a song like no song the audience had ever heard before. Hours and hours it went on, telling a story, saying nothing, making them laugh and weep, sometimes a roar of sunshine and sometimes a cold whisper of space and stars. Candles and torches and upended flashlights lit the stage and its wrack of a thousand operas thrown up by the recent storms, the storms that drove them all here this night, together like they would never have been in the world outside. Some held hands with strangers, lay heads on foreign shoulders, smiled and felt forgiven for the first time in their lives. Some held themselves alone, vibrating fiercely, overjoyed but still afraid of this new sensation. They all, all, never wanted the night to end. Outside, the storms continued.

Mind And Body? No Problem!

2007-05-21T05:14:00.000-08:00

Bevis Frond - Tryptich (1988)

Without even realizing it, Hugo solved one of the oldest and most difficult mathematical puzzles ever invented. Not bad for a shoe-shine boy from Black Earth, Wisconsin, he thought, as he again cautiously lifted the worn corner of his living room rug to peek at the swirling interdimensional maw his fever-inspired contortions had accidentally created. He pushed another squirrel into it, just for fun.

Il Duce Made The Pages Turn Timely, Indeed

2007-05-20T18:18:00.000-08:00

Swans - Love of Life (1992)

It was, undoubtedly, by far, the largest land crab Michael had ever seen. And clearly the most literate, in a bohemian way, if the "I'd Rather Be Reading Bukowski" bumper sticker on its house-sized shell was any indication. Of course, that could always be laid to poetically-minded juvenile delinquents - Michael was well-aware of how much they delighted in such tricks! Only a fortnight earlier, his own vintage, converted, goat-drawn Volkswagen Beetle had been plastered overnight with thousands of tiny magnetic buttons, transforming the Reich-inspired auto into a perfect likeness of Benito Mussolini, the greatest Italian novelist of the 20th century. Michael had been reluctant to remove the rather inspired graffiti, but his wife's repeated refusal to be carted around town in "Some foreigner's head!" eventually persuaded him.

Truth , Justice, And Our Way Or The Highway - $1.19/LB

2007-05-18T05:01:00.000-08:00

Jacobites - Howling Good Times (1994)

"Nationalistic tendencies" - the panel of extremely qualified, eminent, sane, board-certified, bespectacled, sometimes bearded, laced, probably real experts was saying - "are only natural expressions of love of own's country, one's fatherland if we can invent a phrase, and are purely wholesome and justifiable seen in such a light. This is our considered opinion." At this the panel nodded as one and slid slowly and simultaneously underneath the long panelled bench, shiny wigs last to be seen. As they disappeared, unaware the cameras still ran and the microphones buzzed, there was heard a whispered "Do ya think they bought it?" and a round of answering sniggers.

One Must Be Ever So Careful, Here And Always Over There, Over There

2007-05-18T04:46:00.000-08:00

True Believers - True Believers (1986) and
True Believers - True Believers (1987)

The typewriter was a dangerous weapon. Milton knew this instinctively. He had dared approach it only obliquely to date, at angles impossible for the geometricians to define and label. He believed it unaware of him and of his intentions. Clad in his special homemade armor (paper plates scavenged from the bins behind the local ribbery and pasta joint, stitched with stale spaghetti), today he chose a new approach, circling in from several miles out and taking full advantage of natural cover - small children, goats, surprised milkmen - to achieve his final goal, the fruit of years of research and hard mental effort. The filthy and tattered "True Detective" subscription form trembled in his pale hands.

Seen From The Church Belfry, It Was A Sight!

2007-05-18T04:41:00.000-08:00

Jon Langford - Skull Orchard (1997)

The circus strongman, the flying leopard act, the incredibly tall midget family and the invisible visible boy drove the old yellow hearse into town on a lark, looking for a fight you might say, never expecting what one small boy, a slingshot, and a thimbleful of pink poster paint could do. The weekly paper ran a story next edition about mysterious noises in the night, a possible alien invasion, and the courage of its local son.

Getting Up In The Morning, To A Brave New World

2007-05-17T06:42:00.001-08:00

The Feelies, Live in NYC...

It Was Least Expected, That's For Sure

2007-05-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

The Romulans - Flight of... (1993)

Basking in the shallows, flapping wings idly, eyestalks extruded, camo-stripes rippling like shadows, the vastly intelligent but incredibly boring and bulbous (in its last, still-to-come and infinitely more venal state of metamorphosis), alien overlord of the Earth thought thoughts unlike any thoughts ever thought on Earth. Mostly about candy.

Soon, Soon, The Master Plan Will Be Revealed

2007-05-16T18:26:00.000-08:00

Long Ryders - BBC Radio One In Concert (1994)

Blankets, blankets, blankets, rang the cry through the city! All night the shirtless men and the pantsless women ran through the sullen streets, stirring the dust and crying for blankets! The mayor and his mistress were first aghast but upon investigating threw off shirt and pantaloons and joined the joyous crowd. Blankets, blankets, blankets, rang the cry through the city!

What Happens When You Own A Pocketwatch Of Lead

2007-05-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

Johnny Thunders - (New) Too Much Junkie Business (1990)

Punctuality, never Sister's strong point. In fact, she had on more than one occasion missed her own death. This was of course immortalized in song and story by better than average songwriters and almost readable novelists. Two films (the latter a remake of the former or the former of the latter, Sister could never be certain, having been late for both premieres) were made, by substandard and genuis directors, at the same time. The same actress also portrayed Sister in both films, as younger and even younger versions of the real Sister. Finally, having accidently viewed both films simultaneously, Sister decided the actress was a better Sister than Sister herself, so she became the actress and was never late again.

Oh, Monster, Come To Bed, With Springs For A Heart

2007-05-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

Soul Asylum - Made To Be Broken (1986)

"It is conventional to call 'monster' any blending of dissonant elements. I call 'monster' every original inexhaustible beauty."

- Alfred Jarry, L’Ymagier (1894)

(Note: This, too, is a textual repost with new music, the original music post now being but a memory, at the request of the artist).

A Night Of Passionate Pumpkin Love Trumps Death

2007-05-11T17:20:00.000-08:00

Sonny Sharrock - Guitar (1986)

Sonia crawled out of the jack-o-lantern's mouth, gripping the giant carven teeth to gain the leverage she needed. It had been a wonderful adventure overall, she thought, smiling to herself, knocking off bits of hardened wax, seeds the size of her hand and stringing pumpkin guts. Yes, there, the raygun lay just where she'd left it. A minute more and she'd be her proper size again. No problems with buttons too big to push - she'd read all the stories. She pulled the remote control from her pocket but hesitated just a moment too long, looking up to see just what had made the huge winged shadow...

(Note: This is a textual repost with new music, the original music post now being but a memory, at the request of the artist).

It Was A Voice That Spoke In Many Ways

2007-05-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

Throwing Muses - Throwing Muses (1986)

"When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.

In a way, the next move is up to him."

- R. A. Lafferty, "Golden Gate" (1982)

He Should Have, But He Didn't, So It Happened

2007-05-09T18:44:00.000-08:00

John Lurie - Stranger Than Paradise & The Resurrection of Albert Ayler (1985)

Eddie picked at the scab and kept picking at the scab, which is never a good idea, nor very sanitary, under the best of conditions. But this scab was larger than the average scab, oh, maybe three feet in length, and ran like a zipper across his torso from his left nipple diagonally over his belly button (an outie, of course) and over to his right thigh. With a final flick, he removed the last of the scar tissue. A moment later, the proud flesh of his ungainly and unsightly wound burst apart due to internal pressure and Eddie died an agonizing and stupid death. The end.

Playing Peek-A-Boo With Far Away Eyes

2007-05-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

Nels Cline Trio - Silencer (1992)

For seven billion years the little star had quietly and efficiently (it prided itself on its efficiency) burned its hydrogen and lit up its little corner of the universe. Then, one day, it felt a tickling sensation, an irritation, an unpleasant feeling of being watched. Not sure from where this new feeling originated but not liking it in the least, the little star quietly folded space and time around itself, making it appear to vanish utterly.

Back on Earth, some astronomers and physicists were astounded. And some strongly religious folk were moved to kill themselves (and a few billion non-believers).

Eventually, the star came back out, decided the annoying presence was gone, and resumed its sweet hydrogen burn.

It's Only One Man's Fantasy

2007-05-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

Coffee Sergeants - Moonlight Towers (1993)

The President put pen to the last official statement of his elected tenure and turned to the vast bulletproof windows of the newly remodeled Oval Office, the better to appreciate the long line of gallows that stretched across the green White House lawn and disappeared into the distance, to end at the steps of the Capitol Building. Even now the hooded and bewildered members of Congress were shuffling up the rough wooden steps, crying out in anger and fear. Nine black robed figures already swayed in the cold January wind.

But Who's Gonna Be General Grant?

2007-05-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

The Feelies - Only Life (1988)

The vast space armada left Mars orbit right on schedule, blasting through the rebel bases in the Asteroid Belt, obliterating all life, whipping around ringed Saturn to the colonies of the Jovian moons on a non-stop flight of total destruction. Though slightly misinformed, the Martians took their Civil War re-enactments very seriously indeed.

It Comes In A Tin And Sits On The Shelf

2007-05-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

William S. Burroughs - Uncommon Quotes (1988)

As a little boy, Bertrand never cried. When his father was decapitated by angry postal clerks in the E-Stamp Act Riots of '07, he didn't cry. When his mother sold him to Scottish slavers and condemned him to a life of indentured servitude in the New New Hebrides (formerly the Swiss Alps), he didn't cry. Even when the only woman he ever loved disappeared from his life forever (as the soap opera she starred in was cancelled), he didn't cry. But when the European Liberation Organization (ELO) slaughtered his cruel Scottish masters, freeing Bertrand and the thousands of others like him working in their haggis factories, he cried. He cried for seven weeks straight. His clothes were perpetually damp. His bedding was soaked. His body was wrinkled and moldy from the tears. When asked why he was crying, Betrand could only reply "Who's gonna make the haggis now? Who's gonna make it?"

Somebody Really Needs A Hug...Or A Bigger Stick

2007-05-03T18:33:00.000-08:00

The Embarrassment - Heyday ~ 1979-83 (1995)

"After Buddha was dead, his shadow was still shown for centuries in a cave - a tremendous, gruesome shadow. God is dead; but given the way of men, there may still be caves for thousands of years in which his shadow will be shown. - And we - we still have to vanquish his shadow, too."

- Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science (1882)

Another Bad Day At Playschool

2007-04-10T05:07:00.000-08:00

Band of Susans - Veil (1993)

No amount of sweet lies, honest promises, unveiled threats could relinquish Gerald from his hold upon the weapon. After five days without sleep, the entire world seemed his enemy. And the colorful buttons he had yet to push were so, so enticing...

Distracted By Shiny Objects, Unwitting Accomplices

2007-04-10T04:58:00.000-08:00

Loop - A Gilded Eternity (1990)

The directions were explicit: Stand on one leg (either leg) for three minutes; Rotate slowly to your left until facing a shiny object; Switch legs; Stare without blinking at said shiny object for two minutes; Close eyes; Repeat.

What this had to do with assembling a bicycle, Henry didn't know. But after three hours he hadn't put bolt A together with nut B, though he had enjoyed several wildly hallucinogenic moments of ecstasy, in the time between closing his eyes and hitting the floor.

What The Black Box Would Have Recorded

2007-04-10T04:17:00.000-08:00

Butthole Surfers - Double Live (1989)

Without hesitating, Suzette plunged into the icy waters, her golden silk ballgown flaming around her as she plumetted. Her only thought was - wait, what was her only thought? Escape? Death before dishonor? A nice side salad with blue cheese dressing? Halfway to what she know realized was a certain and inescapable demise, she decided to change her only thought, but given her speed and the unfortunate physical restraints of any unpowered falling object, it was too late. Grimly, she tuckered on. The bystanders were highly impressed.

We Owe So Much To The Library Of Skulls

2007-04-05T05:51:00.000-08:00

Power Tools - Strange Meeting (1987)

"The ancestors of modern Sleestak were the Altrusians. Their civilization fell approximately 1,000 years earlier. The Sleestak sometimes use the term 'Altrusian' to refer to themselves and sometimes to refer only to these ancestors. Physically, the Altrusians were similar to Sleestak, with the former marked by a shorter stature, an extra finger on each hand, and a golden yellow skin tone. Intellectually they were very different, however. The Altrusians possessed advanced psionic technologies based on light crystals and understood a great deal about the operation of the Land of the Lost. They strove for calm emotionlessness and as a result could be both cooperative and quite callous."

- "Sleestaks, Ancestors of" (Encylopedia of Lost History, Vol. MCMXVII)

A New Primer For A New Generation

2007-04-05T05:40:00.000-08:00

Speed the Plough - Mason's Box (1993)

W(ild woven wicker women). P(leasing plastic purple people). Q(uoting queuing questioners). R(iding rampant rhinos rapidly).

Water And Sunlight Tell Us Certain Things About Ourselves

2007-04-05T05:32:00.000-08:00

Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians - Element of Light (1986)

The little boy walked slowly out onto the porch, morning summer sun just touching the dew on the painted wooden pillars and rails, catching each drop just so, revealing a hidden pattern that the three year-old instantly comprehended and understand. Feeling suddenly older but thankfully not wiser, he spread his strong young arms and with a single flap lifted himself into the warm air, steering his course through the tops of the oaks and elms and pines and trees he'd never know the names of as he headed due west in a perfectly straight and flat line. Eventually, unforgiving to the curvature of the Earth, he would leave the atmosphere forever, heading home for good.

What's Interplanetary War To A Good Punchline?

2007-04-05T05:19:00.000-08:00

Green On Red - Here Come The Snakes (1988)
Green On Red - Scapegoats (1991)

The translator paused, unsure of how to precisely convey the Lunar Ambassador's last remark. One dipthong out of place and it would be an insult regarding the Martian King's ancestry and their sexual predilictions (not that it wouldn't have been a true remark, of course) rather than the grand (if grandiloquent) gesture of universal peace and harmony it really was. And, thought the translator - who suffered from an incurably wry and warped sense of humor - it would be much the funnier of the two...

The Paul Lynde Award For Best Comedy Album Goes To...

2007-04-02T07:32:00.000-08:00

The Soft Boys - Invisible Hits (1983)

Bats, millions of bats, in thousands of day-glow crazy colors, plaid included, spun themselves nightly, dizzily, into the air from the damp and malodorous cavern mouth directly below Jake's window in the castle's south tower. He would enjoy his nightly rations of gin, tonic and lime - sometimes all at once in a drink he fancied he had invented himself - watching this wonderful show he similarly fancied was put on purely for his own special amusement. Jake was a simple and happy man, right up until the day they came and took him by the hand and led him to the top of the tower, staggeringly drunk as could be, and pushed him over the precipitous edge into the cavern mouth far below. As he fell, seeing the thousands of scattered skulls and still-decaying bodies ahead of him, he finally realized the source of that strange, piercing shriek that nightly signalled the emergence of the beautiful bats.

No Time For Tea, No Time For Two

2007-04-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

Eric's Trip - Purple Blue (1996)

Astronomy was such a quiet, pleasant, meditative pastime, reflected Jackie, known to family, friends and foes alike as The Star Queen. To gaze into black infinity, upon the ancient hearts of hydrogen starflames, was to lose one's self in the placid immensity of time, to sink like a stone through a million miles of darkest water, never reaching bottom, weightless and loveless and perfectly alone, alone forever. That's the way Jackie liked it.

Don't Pick It Up, Don't Take It Home, Don't Even Think About It

2007-04-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

Jacobites - Jacobites (1984)

No one was more passionate about their collecting than Philip, or so Philip believed. Stamps and coins and beer cans (pre-War, whichever War), worthless 19th century stocks and bonds, antique Egyptian pornography, other people's vacation photos - these and a thousand other obsessive collections were the boon and bane of his existence. One morning, though, Philip found he could no longer find the door to his own home. The night before, bringing in an armload of Victorian doll-diapers he couldn't believe he had been lucky enough to score at a local estate sale that morning, he'd bumped into and knocked over a teetering stack of Pop-Art styled plastic drink coasters. Through the night, the resulting slow cascade of collectables had effectively, permanently sealed Philip inside his three-bedroom suburban ranch with semi-detached garage (he had once hoped to eventually purchase all of the seven others in his cul-de-sac, as both a further collection and further storage). Every window, every door, every inch of wall space was hidden behind literal tons of suddenly worthless and frighteningly dense junk. The more Philip scrambled to find an exit, the more it all shifted and moved and trapped him. Finally, exhausted, Philip lay down on an improvised bed of kim chee cans he'd bought for their unique labels, which if properly arranged on a shelf portrayed the slapstick antics of a Korean cartoon character he'd never learned the correct name of. Staring at the work of a lifetime, he sighed and wished he'd thought seriously upon collecting can openers. But that had seemed such a silly idea at the time.

Eat Your Heart Out, Space Vampires! (Ain't Got Nothin' On Us)

2007-03-30T04:59:00.000-08:00

Giant Sand - The Love Songs (1989)
Giant Sand - Swerve (1990)

"The convoluted wording of legalisms grew up around the necessity to hide from ourselves the violence we intend toward each other. Between depriving a man of one hour from his life and depriving him of his life there exists only a difference of degree. You have done violence to him, consumed his energy. Elaborate euphemisms may conceal your intent to kill, but behind any use of power over another the ultimate assumption remains: 'I feed on your energy.'

- Frank Herbert, Dune Messiah (1969)

What You Do When There Is Nothing You Can Do

2007-03-30T04:46:00.000-08:00

Velvet Monkeys - Rotting Corpse au Go-Go (1989)

The spacelords blew into the system in fancy-ass transwarp multigeneration leather bucket seat and airconditioned starships, mucking up and down and all around in every possible dimension, space-Euro-trash in knockoff Gucci life-support belts, showing off their fancy power steering and blasting their bass-heavy technomusic (all bad Kraftwerk disco imitation crap) on every channel until finally we'd just had enough. (The last straw was when they pulled up to Mars and ordered ten-thousand cappucinos then left without paying!) We pulled out the planets, ran in the asteroid belt, put out the sun and left. It was easier than living with them.

You Can Put Your Fist Up In The Air, But Be Prepared

2007-03-30T04:43:00.000-08:00

The Jody Grind - One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure (1990)

Particle spin decay spoofing, every teen's favorite game, just like Pac-Man, just like Pong, just like being a highschool bully in a pond, making babies random, making phone calls too, bleeding out of every hole, it's every teen's favorite game.

The Interior Mechanical Mind Of A Trouser Press

2007-03-29T05:52:00.000-08:00

Lemonheads - Creator (1988)

Up, down, smash, hiss! Up, down, smash, hiss! Up, down, smash, hiss! "I'm such a lucky fella, such a lucky fella, to have a job I love!" Up, down, smash, hiss!

Random Night Thoughts Of the Undead

2007-03-29T05:51:00.001-08:00

Eleventh Dream Day - Lived to Tell (1991)

Nothing feeds the soul better than another soul, thought Tiny Vlad, the world's smallest vampire according to the Guinness Book of Supernatural Records. This distinction aside, TV was not happy. He was barely large enough to put the bite on a guinea pig and guinea pigs are notorious for the stinginess of their interior lives. One cannot survive on such small-minded creatures. Someday, someday, somebody would hit him with wooden ruler or a toothpick and that'd be the end.

Never Think Too Much When You Can Play Guitar Instead

2007-03-29T05:39:00.000-08:00

Pussy Galore - Right Now! (1987)

Jerry was a man-beetle, but what kind of man-beetle was the puzzle. He had chitinous armor, an exoskeleton, mandibles, six lovely limbs, hind wings, a scuttling quality of mind and an array of sensory equipment no non-beetle could possibly possess. That ruled out the non-beetle man-beetle theory. And what a thorax! Golden, glistening - the ladies loved Jerry's thorax! But a thorax does not a man-beetle make and while he pondered his loneliness and his special destiny, the puzzle of his man-beetlehood, he really should have been learning to play guitar. Ladies like guitar players even better.

Get Yourself Some Daily Good Words

2007-03-28T05:58:00.000-08:00

It ain't the Good Book. It's Better.

Some Things Are Best Not Examined Too Closely, Like Belly Button Lint

2007-03-28T05:32:00.000-08:00

Dinosaur Jr. - Dinosaur (1985)

Molten planetoid-sized chunks of former planet flew past the satellite station, so far successfully deflected by its screens, but Raymond knew there was a chunk out there with his name on it. The scientists had gone too far, evidently, drilled too deep, examined too closely, angered something too greatly. Didn't matter now, really. He sipped his vodka and coffee - the last of both - and let his fingers idly trail across the control panel. "Eeny, meeny, miny..." he whispered, pinky finger over the screen's power button. "Moe." Like there was another choice.

He Hated His Dreams, His Falling Asleep

2007-03-28T05:30:00.000-08:00

Husker Du - New Day Rising (1985) [Post #100!]

He had no arms to put inside the cavern mouth, to pull out the shining diamond and clay dog within. It barked and barked at him with rays of light shining out its throat, salty with desire to run free across the lawns and call him Master. Together they cried, he with his head against the hole and it within, eyes glittering with love.

You Think You're Special!?!

2007-03-23T06:08:00.001-08:00

A Cigar, A Whiskey And A Headless Barbie: Christmas, 1967

2007-03-23T05:33:00.000-08:00

Young Fresh Fellows - When We Were Good (1988)

"Forever and again, the alvar were gnawing at the quantum walls of their prison.

Down where photonic light itself was too gross to serve as a basis for perception, they raged to be free. Ceaselessly shifting congeries of forms, interpenetrating shuggoths, they scratched and clawed in the basement of the cosmos like dissatisfied servants, seeking an entrance to the bright and happy privileged realms above."

- Rudy Rucker and Paul Di Filippo, "Elves of the Subdimensions" (2006)

Clockwatching Is An Unhealthy Hobby

2007-03-23T05:21:00.000-08:00

Roger Miller - Maximum Electric Piano ~ The Big Industry (1987)

Tiny little fingers, no thicker than the idea of hair, no longer than a baby's toenail, but millions per limb, gave the indigenous inhabitants of the newly-discovered world the rare ability to physically grasp time itself. Which came in handy after they discovered the true nature of their new 'friends' from another world.

Have You Heard The One...?

2007-03-23T05:20:00.000-08:00

Universal Congress Of - Prosperous and Qualified (1988)

The Wolfman, Frankenstein and Dracula walk into a bar...

There Is No Other Possible Explanation...For Anything

2007-03-23T05:12:00.000-08:00

Moe Tucker - I Spent A Week There The Other Night (1993)

Without the gravitic restraints, young Thomas Jefferson would never have survived when the saucer crashed. Dazed and lonely, his memories of his earlier life completely obliterated by the trauma, the poor little alien boy was taken in by kindly plantation owners who raised him as their own and set him on his illustrious career path.

God, Gold And Guns: The Three G's Of The Apocalypse

2007-03-20T04:38:00.000-08:00

The Minutemen - Double Nickels On the Dime (1984)

The Queen considered Columbus' request, his wavy hair, well-filled hose, firm backside. She glanced sidelong at - ugh! - Ferdinand, and allowed herself to make a decision she would regret for the rest of her life.

- For D. Boon, 1958-1985. Still missed, still needed, now more than ever.

Somewhen, An Encyclopedia Is Missing An Entry

2007-03-19T05:34:00.000-08:00

The Mekons - Honky Tonkin' (1987)

It was a smiling cat - if cats can smile - that smothered the baby, because cats can know the future. Let's hope it was right this time - stupid cats.

Somewhere, Allen Funt Is Laughing

2007-03-19T05:26:00.000-08:00

Penguin Cafe Orchestra - Signs of Life (1987)

The tittering sorcerer fondled the unlaughing demoness, fingertips tingling in her black electric aura, enchanted by her sparking breasts. "How much, how much!" he cried. "More than you can afford, old man," was her reply, words that fell in blood on parchment from her salacious mouth, "Way more than you can afford." A flashing, barbed tail caught the old pervert squarely on the cheek and in a Cloud of Cold Departure he was left alone again.

This Is Front Page News!

2007-03-19T05:23:00.000-08:00

The Replacements - Stink (1982)

"And a good time was had by all."

- Any local paper in any small town, anywhere in the United States of America, c. 1890-2007 (approx.)

Closer And Closer To Truth, Farther And Farther Away Each Day

2007-03-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

The Flaming Lips - Hear It Is + The Flaming Lips (1987)

Hearing: The monkey spent hours and then days and then weeks, months, years, decades and centuries (or so it seemed) arranging and re-arranging the alloy objects, never satisfied with their 'Sound' - as he came to call it. Because he knew that these sharp, pointy things which constantly cut his hands and left his fingers bloodied and scarred, if put together properly, would make: Just. The. Right. Sound.

Stan Lee Should Have Had An Intervention Years Ago

2007-03-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

Sebadoh - The Freed Weed (1990)

Myron, Son of Thor, hated his given name. Especially when people inevitably asked, "Why can't you be more like your father?"

What Takes A Telescope To See Sometimes

2007-03-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

B.A.L.L. - Bird/Period (1988)

Possessing neither a sense of right, left or wrong, Timmy usually just spun dizzily in place for hours on end while assuming he was making his way from bedroom to bathroom, from work to home, abattoir to graveyard. His trail, a whirling galactic impression of blood smeared across a dozen states, was still somehow missed by the servants of a dozen law enforcement agencies.

A Really Big Hole In Howard's Pocket

2007-03-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

The Bevis Frond - Miasma - (1988)

"Assuming that I was sane and awake, my experience on that night was such as has befallen no man before. It was, moreover, a frightful confirmation of all I had sought to dismiss as myth and dream. Mercifull there is no proof, for in my fright I lost the awesome object which would - if real and brought out of that noxious abyss - have formed irrefutable evidence."

- H. P. Lovecraft, The Shadow Out of Time (1935)

Gray Strangers With Candy

2007-03-17T08:58:00.000-08:00

Steve Tibbetts - Yr (1988)

Lithe fingers of ribbed plastic and nylon insinuated themselves into the crevices of Jeremy's cortex, molecule-thin invaders writhing through the puddle of his gray matter, tickling and pinching, twisting and tugging at dendrites and axons, neurons and nodes of ranvier. Jeremy smiled and peed his pants and spoke in tongues and remembered his mother in a yellow dress dancing with his father in his favorite dark suit but he couldn't remember his own name or why he had ever put the strange alien-colored toy up to his forehead in the first place.

Passing The Collection Plate For Pardoners

2007-03-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

The Church - The Blurred Crusade (1982)

For centuries the Church had upheld the One True Faith (or OTF for short) against the ravages of science, reason, time, television and smarty-pants comedians. And had done so with a quiet dignity. But, much to his chagrin and eventual physical and financial losses, poor Morton Greensmith was to find out that even the Church has its limits. One just doesn't say THAT in Church.

A Robot Lincoln Against Your Robot Marx Anyday!

2007-03-12T20:05:00.000-08:00

Plasticland - Salon (1987)

Giant, mountain-tall robots strode across the empty planetoid's scarred and melted surface. Lasers shot from eyes as deep as oceans and nuclear-tipped missiles flew over and over again from abdomen-mounted racks, melting rock and steel. Overhead, in diamond satellites, scaly teenage hobbyists watched their toys at play, in love with the destruction and the power. Meanwhile, tiny mammals burrowed into cracks and evolved at a tremendous speed in the waves of cosmic radiation that now bathed the little world. Those lizards had better watch out.

Only What A Naked Man Can Accomplish Solo

2007-03-12T19:58:00.000-08:00

The Silos - Cuba (1987)

Returning: The monkey - who felt like he'd been abandoned for an uncalled for length of time, though by who or whom or what he couldn't say, not really knowing anyone else, monkey or otherwise - suddenly realized he was walking and had been walking for a very long time through an alkali desert of startling beauty. Acidic butterflies of poisonous green and deadly black flew in great clouds between the petrified flowers of this new landscape. Angular shapes of a metallic bronze or silver hue were embedded in the salty crust of earth beneath his feet. They seemed to make patterns, to connect one with the other. He picked up a handful, finding them very flat, and began to lay them out one after the other: C G A D B E F. This is what they looked like and sounded like in the monkey's head. But what were they?

On The Other Hand, Perhaps This Is What You Seek

2007-03-12T05:56:00.000-08:00

Thin White Rope - Moonhead (1987)

It crawled from the desert, a shining beastmark, from some other worlds, one raging arc of the dream that rose up higher than the foothils and the low mountains and spread wings that encompassed a universe of belief and doubt, faith and fear. It had a name but that name could not be told, only guessed. Can you???

This Is Not A Clue * This Is Not A Clue

2007-03-12T05:29:00.000-08:00

The Mekons - The Mekons Rock 'n' Roll (1989)

Fifty-five stormtroopers, in paisley brownshirts, dancing the Watusi, cradling plushtoy origami sten guns, circled the statehouse bar-b-que dinner, traipsing off afterwards into the soft night over the edge of the hard wooden dock and down without murmur into the bottomless bay. Partygoers were nonplussed but pretended to ogle the President's new piercing, murmuring about how it caught the light of the bonfires so charmingly. So, so charming.

That Ain't Reality! That's My Hot Dog Spoon

2007-03-12T05:07:00.000-08:00

Snakefinger - A Collection of Songs, 1978-1980 (1988)

Kindly contributed by Mr. Zippy for your pleasure-center stimulation!

What Harm Hath Warner Wrought, What Harm!

2007-03-10T07:52:00.000-08:00

Robyn Hitchcock - Invisible Hitchcock (1986)

It was nothing personal, the anvil falling on his head, nor the two-ton weight, nor the grand piano, nor the myriad of objects which might drop precipitously from the sky during a lifetime spent as a cartoon character. But knowing was not the same as feeling, a concept the coyote struggled with for years, never able to reconcile the two according to his therapist.

Lipstick Traces On Emmett Kelly's Enormous Collar

2007-03-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

Giant Sand - Long Stem Rant (1989)

"There are two types of lipsticks: undulating, long-wave lipstick which, when distilled, gives flags, and light lipstick whose flower produces kisses. These kisses can be obtained in two ways, either by drying the flower plucked at the moment it blooms, or by crushing its seed which gives a highly volatile essence that is difficult to preserve."

- Benjamin Peret, "The Four Elements" (1945)

A Massive Attack Precipitates Massive Denial

2007-03-10T07:34:00.000-08:00

Swans - The Burning World (1989)

The dark-winged bombers flew low over the striated horizon, slipping from layer to layer in precise patterns, launching and launching and launching wave after wave of timed and otherwise gimmicked explosives, blossoming up through the night sky in patterns undecipherable since the death of the last of the magi. New magic entered the world while it slept.

What Wizards Do While The Wires Play

2007-03-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

The Residents - Live in Holland: The 13th Anniversary Show (1987)

The stars in the sky twinkled and melted and spun slowly down like chips of shattered glassine eyes, blinding thousands and tens of thousands as they looked up, only for them to weep a moment, blink, and with new vision see behind the walls of day and night and sleep and death they had built up in their blindness. A new world was begun.

The Biggest Surprise Party Ever

2007-03-07T10:44:00.000-08:00

Blackbird - Blackbird (1987)

Strong men lifted the enormous stones up, piling one atop the other, millions of years ago on the now airless and lifeless planet, straining their backs and their hundreds of arms, calling out in synchrony as they heaved, hoots and whistles blowing through the then jungle air. They were happy to turn off the lights and hunker down to wait when the last stone toppled into place, sealing them forever in their tomb. Someday...shh...someday....

A Corn Dog And A Pink Lemonade It Is Not

2007-03-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

Big Dipper - Heavens + Boo-Boo EP (1987)

Wild potato hair plant salad, sprig of parsley in arsenic, wilted leek and beef-paste torta and a Coke: $8.37 with tax.

What Happens On The Streets Of An Old European Town

2007-03-05T05:56:00.000-08:00

Royal Crescent Mob - Omerta (1987)

"It is tasteless and rude, I say, this fashion today, for young men to traipse so gaily through the streets in little but the silks and furs of their morning gowns," doddered the swelling matriarch, miniscule opera glasses screwed to her near-blind eyes, "but, nonetheless, I do so enjoy it." She took another sip of her absinthe and cola and sighed delightedly.

Something Simple

2007-03-05T05:52:00.000-08:00

Johnny Thunders - Hurt Me (1984)

I feel the absence of your dares
I am charmed by your world weary airs
With the skill of a hindoo snake charmer
The heart of a gold dalai lama

Still, I'd rather be all alone
Than to be here now

- JAW, Blood Routines (1992)

The Atomic Pan Pipe Symphony Rides Again

2007-03-05T05:34:00.000-08:00

F/i - Helioscopium (1997)

Tiny dancing robots swarmed the streets of the planet's largest metropol, shiny spinning wheels and flagellating limbs keening through the languid morning air, startling cats and dogs, little birds, commuters. Children were delighted. Schoolkids went wayward, following the winsome mechanicals, down the boulevards, through the parks, across bridges over rivers they children had never seen. Down to the spaceport they all ran, a blur of flesh and metal and chromed plastic, across the tarmac, up the ramps, inside the massive globular ship. Finally, one last limping child and one last pokey robot clambered up the ramp and the giant circular door swirled shut. Nuclear steam poured from the ship's corroded vents and it slowly ascended into the dark blue sky.

While The Astronomers Slept, Redux...

2007-03-02T05:53:00.000-08:00

Sun Ra - Strange Celestial Road (1987)

Meanwhile, back on the planet: Several thousand years had passed quickly and with a quiet prosperity for the former starmen. The hulks of their indestructible star-ships had become playgrounds or amusement parks, office buildings, zoos and the homes of the fabulously wealthy. By a resounding majority vote, their stupendous engines had been turned off forever hundreds of years earlier and were now useless, never to push through the fabric of space and time again. One would think that, just about now, something awful and ironic precipitating the use of these once powerful machines would befall these peaceful people...

Please note: The above is a 'textual only' repost; the original 'non-textual' post accompanying it having been removed. Enjoy this repeat for your reading pleasure!

It Always Cries When It Is Caught In A Trap

2007-03-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

Pain Teens - Destroy Me Lover (1993)

Mother Rabbit anxiously wiped her hands on her stained apron, waiting for her boys to return. It was getting dark. There, in the West, she saw movement! and shielding her eyes with one furry paw she squinted into the last rays of the dying sun. Yes - it was her boys, but...something was wrong. She counted only five, and they were walking slowly, huddled together, carrying something between them on their shoulders. With a sob, she fell to her knees and covered her face, weeping, crying like only a mother rabbit can cry.

America's One-Stop Shopping & Induction Center!

2007-03-02T05:24:00.000-08:00

Moe Tucker - Life in Exile After Abdication (1989)

It was a big sale day at Army*Mart, "Half-Off!" screamed the signs. Flags waved cheerily over the entrance. The line stretched for miles, around corners and over hills, seeming endless. The face of every customer was lit with anticipation, each knowing he or she would get a special deal today on something absolutely fabulous that would make life perfect and reveal the secret of happiness to them. Nobody noticed that the doors were "Enter" only. Nobody noticed the long, long trains of black cars pulling silently out from behind the store. Flags waved cheerily over the entrance.

Angels Cried Diamonds Upon Their Upturned Faces

2007-02-28T06:23:00.000-08:00

Nikki Sudden & the French Revolution - Groove (1990)

It was just a tiny windup metal toy but when its key was turned and it was set upon a table, it played the most beautiful music ever heard, by man, woman, child, beast and hiding angel. It played and played and played, for hours and days and years, but eventually - one day - the key refused to turn. A special box was built to preserve the fabulous musical toy, in hopes that one day it might play again.

Beach Blanket Bingo Off Uranus

2007-02-28T05:57:00.000-08:00

Eugene Chadbourne with Camper Van Beethoven - Camper Van Chadbourne (1989)

"Surf's up!" came the cry, echoing over the radiophones. A hundred wild-eyed spacehipsters scrambled for their sleek, semi-living surfboards. It took a certain type to live in the rings of Saturn, amidst the vast radiation storms and electromagnetic pulses, risking certain early death from cancer, inherited genetic mutations and the ridicule of the entire System. But catching that one wave, the big one! - and riding it all around the gas giant they called home was a goal worth being crazy for.

Watching What Happens When Your Back Is Turned

2007-02-28T05:44:00.000-08:00

Big Black - The Rich Man's Eight Track Tape (1987)

Ah, the drums, the drums! Constantly pounding day and night, the jungle pulsed with their fury and with the screams of fanged predators and winged beasts, all set against the tiny band of intrepid yet foolish explorers. None of them had much cared for this expedition, but the charisma and bravery of their leader had sucked them pell-mell into this situation. Now, watching the multi-legged, six-winged lizard thing carry his headless torso off towards the distant mountains, they began to deeply regret their decision.

The Primitive Ways Of Our Benighted Forebears

2007-02-27T06:19:00.000-08:00

Various Artists - The Wailing Ultimate ~ The Homestead Records Sampler (1987)

"Drive grasshoppers into cooking pit
Drive ground squirrels from holes
Smoke bees from hive
Chase bison and other game over cliff or into trap
Night fishing with torch"

- Norm Kidder, "Some Uses of Fire" (2001)

Proof Of The Existence Of God

2007-02-27T06:14:00.000-08:00

Alex Chilton - A Man Called Destruction (1995)

Long ago man or woman invented beer by drinking the fermented waters of leftovers, of some burned grains in a clay bowl, soaked by rain and storm, wild yeasts alighting, comingling, breathing life into dead matter? Someone must have been very, very thirsty.

A Universe Of Coincidence Is Not One I Want To Live In

2007-02-27T06:07:00.000-08:00

Julian Cope - Planetary Sit-In (Every Girl Has Your Name) (1996)

Again and again and again the starmen punished the space vole's planet with storms of asteroids, churning the surface, rupturing the crust, releasing molten streams from the planetary core - avenging the long ago defeat of their ancestor's at the paws of the vole's. In their violent, obsessed joy, they never saw noticed the return of the vole armada, fresh from their own timely mission against the starmen's homeworld. Oh, those crafty voles!

It Was In A Perfumed Garden That Justice Came To Light

2007-02-27T05:55:00.000-08:00

The Chills - Kaleidoscope World (1993)

No other human eye had ever beheld the lost jewels of Hammurabi's ancient crown, mounted in the eye sockets of the skull of an extinct species of giant ape, never worn except as a conductor between the laws of the universe and the world of man as Hammurabi imagined it, made it. These were the thoughts of little Jeremy K. as he held up in the bright sunlight the half-rotten cat's head disinterred from his mother's flower garden. It was, after all, a much preferable explanation to any that touched on the 'sudden and unexpected trip' that Mommy and Daddy said Whiskers had left upon last month. Why would a cat need to visit the Pope, anyway?

The Best Of Intentions & The Worst Of Articulations

2007-02-26T13:01:00.000-08:00

Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians - Gotta Let This Hen Out (1986)

Syllabicizing: The monkey took on the task of naming everything he saw in the world because he suddenly thought that everything should have a name. His vocal chords, poorly developed still but evolving rapidly, were at first sorely strained by the exercise. Many an object was named with but subtle variation upon the words "Ughhgh" and "Graaakt!" Someday, the monkey thought he might take the time to rename these unfortunates.

When Children Dream And Scheme Upon Their Adult Selves

2007-02-26T12:56:00.000-08:00

Steve Tibbetts - Safe Journey (1984)

Across the Himalayas and into the mysterious lands beyond went the intrepid explorer, scuba gear in tow, searching for the equally mysterious inland sea of Tibet he'd read about as a child in a book, never knowing the book was a joke, a hoax, a ruse, perpetrated upon him by a scheming sibling in full knowledge of his gullible nature. She would be so surprised when he returned someday, specimen boxes full of the exotic fish and plants and riches of this imaginary ocean.

A List Of Wrongs Corrected By Rights

2007-02-26T12:48:00.000-08:00

Various Artists - Beyond the Wildwood ~ A Tribute to Syd Barrett (1987)

The tea was too strong and the cream had curdled and the biscuits were stale and the plate was chipped and the butter was runny while the knife was rusty and the spoons were bent but the sky was blue and the grass was green and the sun was yellow and the birds were singing and the cats were dancing and so it somehow balanced all out.

Would A Leopard Be Caught Dead Wearing A Human-Skin Hat?

2007-02-23T13:33:00.000-08:00

Plasticland - Let's Play Pollyanna (1990)

Polka dots always look better in the mind's eye than in reality, thought Johnson, wishing he had not used an indelible marker. Or shaved his head. And back. It was going to be a long day.

Some Dare Call It Art!

2007-02-23T13:12:00.000-08:00

Black Sun Ensemble - Black Sun Ensemble (1985, Reissued 2000)

Tadpoles by the thousands, by the millions, larger than a man's pinky finger, flowed and overflowed from the toilet bowl onto the tiled bathroom floor. Toilet water and potential frogs swirled with abandon out the door and down the hallway, spilling down the stairs in a living waterfall before exiting by the front door onto the lawn. Mary and Robert watched it all with quiet appreciation from the living room, perched on their prized vintage barstools, enjoying the light of the dying sun that played gently across the watery havoc. It had been a very successful experiment, they concluded, toasting each other silently.

Lotto Winner Tells All - Death Conquered!

2007-02-22T08:05:00.000-08:00

The Catheads - Hubba (1987)

"Rubbing the Buddha's belly, an elephant's trunk, Lincoln's nose, your neighbor's bald spot, a cat's behind and your Holy Bible - simultaneously - is the only assured way to win the lottery," says Mrs. Norbert Norbert Norbert, nine-times winner of the Irish Sweepstakes, the Illinois Lotto, the Missouri State Fair Five Legged-Race and a guaranteed 'Ticket to Heaven' granted to her by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. Now deceased, Mrs. Norbert-cubed spoke from the Great Beyond on condition of anonymity.

A Strong Key Return Pops The Planet Over The Net

2007-02-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

Damon & Naomi - The Wondrous World of Damon & Naomi (1995)

Geraldine didn't think she would ever recover from the last night's party. Glasses, bottles, puddles, clothing, antlers - everywhere!

One Man's Breakfast Is Another Man's Funeral

2007-02-21T05:50:00.000-08:00

Bongwater - Double Bummer + Breaking No New Ground (1989)

Strong currents nibbled at the giant's toes as he swam the inland ocean, more a large lake from his perspective, crossing from his gargantuan castle home that rose straight from the sea on a thousand pillars of eroded limestone. He hoped to reach land within the half-hour, curious to know how the world had changed during his several millenia-long nap. Sniffing at the air, he could just taste the scent of those tiny two-legged appetizers he liked so much. At least they were still around, he thought to himself. And it was almost time for brunch...

Drinking Beer From Acorn Cups All Day Long - Huzzah!

2007-02-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

Bardo Pond - Dose: The Singles (1994-96)

The blue-eyed cat peered curiously from out of the vivid yellow rose bush, white fur sleek in the hot sun. It was fat and content and well-fed and chose to ignore the taunting of the squirrels, who had organized a polka-masquerade in the far corner of the garden. The squirrels were spiteful creatures, the cat knew; they hated polka.